is there really that amount here or is that in total for all the swing4 sites?? Join the most popular community of Irish swingers now
Login
tallguy22
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 38
0 km · Clare
Forum
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE
THERE!!'
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up
she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in
the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out
to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked . The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' t he Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble .
'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased w ith the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it
Signed,
All Us Women
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would be enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip little more and again she still was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large gentleman who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!' The gentelman smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
And every year Morris would say,
'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied,
'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,
And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,
'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied,
'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Morris replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Esther fell out,
But you know,
fifty dollars is fifty dollars!
>
>
> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
> herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what
> she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be twelve again', she
> replied, still looking in the mirror.
>
> On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
> Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
>
>
> What a day!
>
> He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the
> Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
> Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
>
> Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a
> McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
> chocolate shake. Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola,
> and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.
>
>
> What a fabulous adventure!
>
> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
> He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,
> what was it like being twelve again?'
>
> Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my
> dress size, you retard'!
>
>
> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
> wrong........
> It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female
> jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female
> joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will
> pass it along to a woman who will love it.
>
> A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
> girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
> middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
> her eyes off him.
>
> The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
> directly toward her. (As men will.)
>
> Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
> and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
> me to do, no matter how kinky, for $ ..on one condition.'
>
> Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You
> have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
>
> The woman considered his
> proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
> which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked
> deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:
>
> 'Paint my house.'
>
> (YOU GO, GIRL!)
>
> Money well spent!!!
> jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female
> joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will
> pass it along to a woman who will love it.
>
> A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
> girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
> middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
> her eyes off him.
>
> The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
> directly toward her. (As men will.)
>
> Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
> and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
> me to do, no matter how kinky, for $ ..on one condition.'
>
> Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You
> have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
>
> The woman considered his
> proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
> which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked
> deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:
>
> 'Paint my house.'
>
> (YOU GO, GIRL!)
>
> Money well spent!!!
> The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their
> 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
> with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
>
> He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
>
> 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
> 'An ambulance just drove by!'
> 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
> 'Matt's riding a new bike!'
> 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
> 'Jason is on his skate board!
>
> After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
> Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called
> out, 'How do you know they're shagging?'
>
> 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
The age of romance is not lost
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner,Batman?"
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner,Batman?"
For all Who Work With Rude Customers, shame WE can't actually do this !
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of
inconvenienced an angry passenger pushed his way to
the slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, 'I HAVE to
be on this flightand it HAS to be FIRST CLASS'.
The attendant replied,'I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out.'
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, 'DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?'
Without hesitating,the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone: 'May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please,' she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
'We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.'
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Virgin attendant,gritted his teeth and said, 'F... You!'
Without flinching, shesmiled and said, (I love this bit)
'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too.'
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck ..
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
