:evil2::evil2:WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES
OF 3, 6, AND 12
:giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle:
A man walks into a pharmacy with his 11-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for
Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'
that really tickled me, ha ha!
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JOKES
A Chinese couple gets married. She is a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not all that experienced their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be
reassuring.
"My darring," he says,"I know dis you firss time
and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting - juss anyting you want. What chu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently(and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wit broccori?"
Sincerely,
Westside.
PS why are the sentences all over the shop??
Sex God
LOL westvery good.
and topical too.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my
pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
'She's my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go
on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
Sex God
:clap: :clap: :clap:
An elderly man and woman meet at bingo and get chatting. They find that they're both widowed and after a few drinks admit they both miss the sex.
So, they decide life's too short and head back to her place. As they walk up the stairs, the woman stops and takes a big breath.
"Sorry", she says, "I've got acute angina".
"Really?", he replies, "well you've got great tits too!"
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....
He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started... .
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation while Waiting for their flights from the LAX Airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation got around to children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the old Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well, for one thing, instead of saying, "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious'?
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
A woman rushes into HR in the office where she works and says to the manager,
"I want to report something, I'm being sexually harrassed!"
The head of HR sits her down and says
"Tell me exactly what's happening"
"Well, every morning when I get into the lift, John from accounts gets in beside me and sniffs me and says "Sharon, your hair smells beautiful today""
"Well, that's going to be very hard to prove as sexual harassment, he could say that he's just paying you a compliment"
"But he's a fucking dwarf!!"
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
OJ said "OK" so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, said OJ.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . .
(This is priceless)
"
"
"
"
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
OJ said "OK" so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George W. Bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day, said OJ.
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said . . . . .
(This is priceless)
"
"
"
"
'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'
Sex God
:haha: :clap::clap::clap: at them all
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."
"That's right!" she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?"
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"
Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
SING IT GIRLS!!! OUT LOUD
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I kn ew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified. When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I grew strong, and I kn ew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie, I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud, When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs, Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
Giuseppe is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a
shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.
Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?'
Giuseppe answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.' Giuseppe gasps,
'Mum Amia Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK ina my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a
shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.
Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight,
but how do you know?'
Giuseppe answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!' Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.' Giuseppe gasps,
'Mum Amia Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK ina my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
To the little gir l, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
Down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said
'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
To the little gir l, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
Down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said
'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!
Blond Father
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
Don't Leave 'Em Hanging
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
A young boy got his bike and took it for a spin after xmas was pushing it along when he was a approached by a horse mounted policeman.
The policeman says "where are you going with that bike boy"?
The boys replies "im just on my way home.
The policeman says "do you know you should have lights on that bike?Did you get that bike from Santa."?
The boy says "yes i got it from Santa".
Policeman says "well you write back to Santa and tell him to send you lights for your bike."
The boy says "ok i will.""by the way did you get that horse from Santa"?
The Policeman says "yes i did in fact"
The boy then says "Well you write back to Santa and tell him the bollox should be on the bottom and not the top"
Westside.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"
