Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with its ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin. She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!"
The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes.
She says, "My, what big eyes you have!"
The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed.
She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"
The wolf pulls himself together, looks her in the eye and says, "Fuck off! I'm trying to take a dump!"
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $ , Shopping Barbie for $ , Beach Barbie for $ , Disco Barbie for $ , Ballerina Barbie for $ , Astronaut Barbie for $ , Skater Barbie for $ ,
and Divorced Barbie for $ ".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $ and the others only $ "
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends,
and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"
Diseased Dog...
A fanatical Waterford supporter was walking his scabby little mangy diseased dog on the Monday after the defeat by Kilkenny. As he strolled along the beach full of despondancy, he saw a bottle which was quite unusual lying on the strand. He poked the bottle with his toe and low and behold out pops a genie.
'Your wish is my command,' said the Genie.
Startled, the Waterford fan said, 'I wish this scabby little mangy diseased dog of mine be turned into a greyhound that would win The Laurels and The Derby.'
The genie took one look at the mangy little mongrel that was on its last legs and shakes his head, saying, 'That would be very difficult. Is there any other wish you have?'
The Waterford supporter thought and his eyes lit up for an instant... 'I wish that Waterford will win an 'All-Ireland' in the near future!!!'
The genie looked a bit taken aback for an instant. He then rubbed his beard and said...
'Would you ever give me a second look at that dog?'
Two boys are playing hurling in the people's park, when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hurl, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A local newspaper reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Waterford Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Waterford fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Waterford, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Wexford Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Wexford fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed you were a Wexford fan given your friend is wearing a Wexford Jersey, What team do you support?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Kilkenny fan." the child said smiling.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Kilkenny Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
last 2 posts ... brilliant :giggle:
A vagina sneaked into the Vatican.
It crept past the vagina detectors.
It tip-toed into the very heart
of the rules and regulations section
where all the cardinals were sitting
around in circles making rules about
times of the month, thermometers and
how many erections are allowed through
the eye of a needle.
The little vagina sprang out suddenly
and shouted - “Peace be with you!â€
The cardinals all replied
“And also with you†because none
of them had ever actually seen one
and they hadn’t got a clue what it
really was so they gave it cups of tea
and chocolate biscuits.
When Father Bartholomew came in for
the cups he paled and gasped and
was just about to say “My dear Cardinals,
with respect, you have been sharing your
biscuits with a
But he said nothing because it might
have led to awkward questions.
The adventurous little vagina
hopped and skipped and danced
along the corridors shouting
“Peace be with youâ€
and all the priests who had never
seen one said - “And also with youâ€
and all the priests who had seen one
said it too.
In theory it should be just as easy
for an erection
but I wouldn’t bet on it.
from chat today lol
spamount01: Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine asked her name, 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said.'I'm the one with the nuts,' he thought! Then he touched her Milky checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, , 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
Il never look at choclate the same again :evil2:
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually
drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion,
they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.?
The following week they met up again to compare notes.?
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of
the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all
the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!'?
The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my
fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not
only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!?
The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather
bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished
it off with a black mask.?
When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
and yelled; 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner??
A woman comes home to find her husband blowdrying his cock. She says" wot the hell are you doing?"He replies "heating up your dinner!!!"
lol
A woman is standing at the pearly gates talking to saint peter when she hears an awful scream! "what was that?" she asks "Oh don,t you worry" saint peter says "that was the person before u getting holes drilled in their backs for their wings" Ouch!" she blurts!
Again she hears another ear shattering scream "now what was that?" she inquires again.
Saint peter responds by saying "Oh thats the same person getting holes drilled in their head for the halo!" terrified the woman looks at saint peter & says " i think i'd rather go to hell!"
saint peter replys "Oh no you don't want to go down there! u'll be & sodomized down there so you will!"
The woman pauses for a moment then replies "well at least i've already got the holes for that!!" :devil:
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio
table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking
to him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it
with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers
in the ashes she said,
"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with
the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes,
She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes.."
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20
bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 75 year-old woman gave birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the 75 year-old mother, "Soon."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"Not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"
"WHEN IT CRIES" replied the mother.
"WHEN IT CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until it CRIES??"
"Because," she told them, "I forgot where I put it."
There were three black ladies getting ready to
take a plane trip for the first time. The first lady said,
'I don't know bout y'al , but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane.
' 'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked?
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm
out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant
orange panties.' 'Why you gonna wear dem?' the
others asked. The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin'
down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........
'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says,
'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties,
cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first.'
Read On!
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course. What may I do for
you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's Birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded,
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 'I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.'
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. 'I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,' He says, 'because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are.'
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. 'I want the house,' he says insistently..
Up to 80. 'I want the car, too,' he continues.
85 mph. 'And,' he says, 'I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!'
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, 'Isn't there anything you want?'
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
'No, I've got everything I need,' she says.
'Oh, really,' he inquires, 'so what have you got?'
Just before they slam into the wall at 85mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. 'The airbag.'
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded..
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made
a
startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,
'the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two
days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Joe was dying.. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in
peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend,
and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
An old man, a boy and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
...Kiss your ass goodbye!
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing 
:haha::haha::haha:
:rotflmao:
msl.... i love it......feckin brilliant !!!!