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daithi
Over 90 days ago
Bi-curious Male, 50
0 km · Kildare
Forum
where do i send dry cleaning bill?
Sexlightened
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"
Sexlightened
tickle tickle play 
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs
Quote by playfull
Lmao here daithi has me in stiches here
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs
Sexlightened
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is million."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."
Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?
Sexlightened
she would be upset if someone didnt put a post up 
so HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOOPY / UPPY / UPIDY
assionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss:
to spare the poor girls blushes wont say what age she is...
(hint count the kisses )
so HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOOPY / UPPY / UPIDY
assionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss: :passionkiss:
to spare the poor girls blushes wont say what age she is...
(hint count the kisses ) 
Sexlightened
Quote by Sugarloaf
The Beastie Boys - Sabotage
From the album: Ill Communication (1994)
This song is my fave Beastie Boys song. The video is absolutely fab. Its kind of a homage to the 70's cop shows like Streets of San Fransisco. It was directed by Spike Jonze, who also directed the Bjork - Oh So Quiet & Fatboy Slim - Praise you videos among many others. If you do watch the video, look out for the backhanded slap the cop gives the criminal at around the 2:33 minute mark then at 2:40 the cops throw him out of a moving car - its priceless
"I can't stand it, I know you planned it I'ma set it straight, this Watergate
I can't stand rocking when I'm in here cause your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear
So while you sit back and wonder why I got this fucking thorn in my side
Oh my God, it's a mirage I'm tellin' y'all, it's sabotage
So, so, so, so listen up cause you can't say nothin
You'll shut me down with a push of your button?
But you, I'm out and I'm gone I'll tell you now, I keep it on and on"
Heres a link to the video
Enjoy
god Col, that tune brings back some good memories.....
drunken nights after the "Embarrasement" night club (Ambassador Hotel) :)
tryin to watch the video with one eye closed so wouldnt see double.....
heres the song i been singing to myself all day...... (prob coz goin to see the "new" version of the band tomor night :bounce::bounce:)
Johnny the Fox by Thin Lizzy
:worship: happy birthday Mrs Flashy :cheers:
hope ya have a good one
Sexlightened
Quote by alicolwic
Copied from a news website
Retired TD for Kerry South Jackie Healy-Rae has said he is "confident" he could get the support for a nomination if he was to run for President.
He said it is definitely something that he is considering, but he has not made a final decision yet.
Mr Healy-Rae stepped down before the last General Election, while his son Michael Healy-Rae won his vacant seat.
Speaking to Radio Kerry, Jackie Healy-Rae said running in the Presidential campaign would be a challenge he would enjoy.
This has to be a joke. I mean I tried listening to this guy on tv when the election was on, as he was supporting his son's campaign. I couldnt understand a word he said. Could you imagine this guy turning up at The White House as our president? We would be a laughing stock.
The rest of the world would look at him in his dresscode and think we were a backwards country. Plus he would need his own personal subtitles so other foreign dignitaries could understand him.
Come on David Norris, youre a highly intelligent man who has championed wonderful campaigns in the past, you are very eloquent and a fantastic conversationalist. Lets see you make the Phoenix Park your home.
Emmmm whats todays date??? :small-print:
hgrin: gonna be skin n hair flyin!
happy bday wifey :rose:
Sexlightened
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
