Servicing people for more years than I care to remember.
Well guys and girls. Bring your poor huddled masses soory actually wrong quote
Tell me about your childhood or just tell me all your problems.
ladies pop in sit on my knee and lets talk about the first thing that cums up.
I promise to always give you an answer although it may not be the one you want.
:taz:
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Uncle Mulders Agony Uncle Service
Deeer Muldern
Can you please help me as I am at my wits end.
You see, I am a small farmer of modest means. I am married to my wife for 15 years now. I have always gone to bed early because I always get up early to milk the cows. However my wife is a night owl, often going out and not coming home until the early hours of the morning.
Lately I have got to thinking she is cheating on me, even more so since she had the seventh child, and I am sure I remember the doctor telling me I could'nt have children after I got the mumps in 1989.
Anyhow last night I waited in the back yard for her to come home. Lo and behold at about a big flashy car drove into the back yard.
After a few minutes the passenger door opened and when the interior lights came on, there she was kissing our local butcher, a man I often welcomed into our house and fed him with drink. As she got out of the car, buttoning up her blouse, I crouched down behind my Massey Ferguson so as not to be seen.
It was then I saw to my horror, a big crack in Fergies rear end.
What can I do, I love that tractor.
Quote by user=ravenfire
Virgo your not that bad off if the kids are having coke and crisps lol
I have run out of wax for my bikini line and someone suggested i use duct tape, Is there any other methods i could use as i try to keep the duct tape for gagging my victims
Raven I will put nair on my tongue and attend to your Bikini line. Any pleasure either of us gets from this is purely coincidental.
PS on the gagging with duct tape try a ball gag its reusable looks hornier and is easier to remove (unless you wish your victims to lose half their skin when removing duct tape)
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[quote user=longjon]Deeer Muldern
Can you please help me as I am at my wits end.
You see, I am a small farmer of modest means. I am married to my wife for 15 years now. I have always gone to bed early because I always get up early to milk the cows. However my wife is a night owl, often going out and not coming home until the early hours of the morning.
Lately I have got to thinking she is cheating on me, even more so since she had the seventh child, and I am sure I remember the doctor telling me I could'nt have children after I got the mumps in 1989.
Anyhow last night I waited in the back yard for her to come home. Lo and behold at about a big flashy car drove into the back yard.
After a few minutes the passenger door opened and when the interior lights came on, there she was kissing our local butcher, a man I often welcomed into our house and fed him with drink. As she got out of the car, buttoning up her blouse, I crouched down behind my Massey Ferguson so as not to be seen.
It was then I saw to my horror, a big crack in Fergies rear end.
What can I do, I love that tractor.[/quot
As far as your wife goes I can only quote the wise man who said
Spare the Rod and someone else will spoil the wife.
I would suggest putting out a runour that the butcher's beef is riddled with CJD. Also put out a rumour that he has an virulent and incurable venereal disesase which causes you to scratch your genital area until it falls off. Then put itching powder on all your wifes undies. If she goes commando you may need to apply manually.
As for Fergies cracked rear end ...... perhaps you could get her a gig with the black eyed peas they look like men who would appreciate a good crack.
You dont state what condition your own end is in, perhaps if you spent more time getting it away your wife would not have strayed.
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Sorry Mr Mudldern..
Okay I was too asmamed to even think of asking for help with this but you are such a kind and understanding Agony man I feel free to ask now..
4 months ago Mr M I was coming home from the pub, I cut across the local playing fields, and was looking at up the night sky, when I heard a whooshing sound and saw a round object flying towards me...
I am soooooooooo ashamed as to what happened next, but it involved a lot of probing and flashing bright lights..
:(:(:(
Now Mr M my tum tum is swelling, and Mammy is asking me all sorts of questions, I can no longer eat my porridge in the mornings and am dreaming contanstantly of little green men...
:(:(:(
Now Mr M my tum tum is swelling, and Mammy is asking me all sorts of questions, I can no longer eat my porridge in the mornings and am dreaming contanstantly of little green men... 
NEXT:giggle:Quote by user=Virgogirl
Sorry Mr Mudldern..
Okay I was too asmamed to even think of asking for help with this but you are such a kind and understanding Agony man I feel free to ask n
4 months ago Mr M I was coming home from the pub, I cut across the local playing fields, and was looking at up the night sky, when I heard a whooshing sound and saw a round object flying towards me...
I am soooooooooo ashamed as to what happened next, but it involved a lot of probing and flashing bright lights..
Now Mr M my tum tum is swelling, and Mammy is asking me all sorts of questions, I can no longer eat my porridge in the mornings and am dreaming contanstantly of little green men...
I am afraid there were no little green men nor was there any alien probing.
What we have here is a simple case of over imbibing in alcohol and this led to you falling over in a field and seeing the laser show from the local disco. The probing was probably due to the amorous fumblings of some local lech who seeing your semi-concious form took advantage of you. The swelling could indeed be a consequence of this as I fear our amourous lech was rather lax in his practise of safe sex the only condoms in his pocket expired in 1999.
Any resemblane between myself and the offspring which is now gestating happily in your womb is purely coincidental.
xxxx
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Quote by user=longjon
:giggle: Virgo,It will all come out in the wash in a few months time.
Will it be a little Muldern or 10 little yellow lads. Aliens actually dont turn green until they are a year old.
P.S. A few months, does anyone know the gestation time for alien offspring ??
Dont know longjon perhaps you should ask your family
Quote by user=muldernTcell
Any resemblane between myself and the offspring which is now gestating happily in your womb is purely coincidental... :eeek::eeek: So you sqeak, have five feet, and wear shiny silver clothes:scared:
Oh thank god you mean Alan
Mr M that was our secret ... the force is strong within me ... only by the light of the Blue Moon when Jupiter aligns with Mars can they see my true persona & my five foot **** ... now they will all want a piece of me & you know I am destined to propogate the species with Queen Tcell.........
are you talking about some kind of rolling maul virgo then I am sure we could find 15 strong and true men to show you how the game is played. You maight need to keep an eye on their binding and watch the loose head as he is always trying to bring down the scrum. Dont worry about the hooker despite the name, he doesnt charge. your best bet might the scrum half. he might be small and wiry but he does have great ball control. Keep away from the fly half as he just keeps kicking for touch. Any hoo if you wish to feel the full weight of the pack virgo I am sure we can pull something out for you darling. I will have my magic sponge on hand if u need aid at any time during the .........er game.
