A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest tits.
What do gynocologists and Pizza delivery drivers have in common?
The both get to smell the good stuff all day but they can't eat it ..
Two dyslexics sitting in a kitchen. One says to the other "can you smell gas"? "Smell gas? I can't even smell me own name"!
Two Dyslexic bank robbers run into a bank and shout
"Air in the hands, mother stickers,
This is a f**k up"
a elephant went up to a camel and said why do u have tits on ur back and the camel said ur the 1 with a dick on there face
A College Class was told that they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were as follows:
The story must contain the topics:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery
The following short story was the only one to get an A grade.
'Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it'
Oranges
Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want anyone to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?' Not willing to her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, ' Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?' Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.'
The policeman fainted.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
IRISH VIRGINITY TEST KIT
Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride to be is stil a virgin.
His doctor said " aye Paddy, all Irish use 3 things for a Do It Yourself... Virginity Test Kit ....a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.
Paddy asks "and what do I do with these?"
The doctor replies "well before bed on your wedding night, paint 1 of your balls red and the other ball blue and if your wife says "that's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see." you hit her over the head with the shovel."
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