:crazy: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)
(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)
Another little something to amuse.
CSA Forms
The following are all replies that British women have put on
Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Tyrone Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father
of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I
can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She
was conceived at a party at 36 Nottingham Avenue where I had unprotected
sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door
panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and
see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he
is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by
you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies
look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
8. Leroy Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at
Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby,
after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made
you fart.
:evil2:
Jax
Thanks Jax,
Thats cheered me up for the weekend.
aaww the kids are sooooo qute...bless emthat made me giggle and say at aww the same time...i never did that before but i made a weird noise:giggle:
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt..
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Men are like....
1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips...
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say..
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Jaysus
we can all google the funnies....original humour would be nice....Jack Shit story was handed around on paper in my school in 1980....
:Pfor fecks sake frank got out the wrong side of the bed again!:crazy::sticky:
I dont think frank uses a bed tussey ...........dont think he sleeps at all !!!
50 dollars is 50 dollars...â€
Morris and
his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'
Esther
always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that
helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To
this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The
pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a
deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty
dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word
was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I
could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the
truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you
know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and
> Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and
> rang the bell.
>
> 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed
> Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like
> something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
>
> 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
>
> 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she
> asked.
>
> 'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat
> at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'
>
> 'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
>
> 'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.
>
> 'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her
> friends, that's all they do!'
>
> 'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous. 'Yes,' said the
> mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we
> let her!'
>
> 'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking
> about alternate plans for the evening.
>
> A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking
> pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt,
> and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She
> greeted Fred.
>
> 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
>
> Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst
> into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
>
> 'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the
> kitchen.. 'The f***ing dance is called the Twist!'
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation,... No one wanted him to leave.
JoeSmith, who owns several car dealerships in the City, stands up and
proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van
to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
'If the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, ....... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide,
holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from
side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how
we could help and he said, .........
'Screw the Preacher!'
The Human Body!
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now. :smug:
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.:thumbup:
Irish Medical Alert
An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital today after having phone sex.
Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and 1 Samsung,
No Siemen was found.
Q. How do whales give a blowjob???
A. They bite the top of a submarine and suck out the seamen.
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole. (i think they are refering to frank, but i could be wrong:P)
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
New Employment Rules for all employees
Hi All
please circulate this important message to all concered at your local level.
These new rules will be applicable after budget in December 2009.
New Employment Rules
SICKDAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to get to the doctor, you are able to come into work.
SURGERY
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider having anything removed.
We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
HOLIDAYS
Each employee will receive 104 holidays per year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends or relatives. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees to attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch-hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is done.
ABSENT FOR YOUR OWN DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice to allow time for you to train your own replacement.
TOILET USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from to , employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from to and so on. If you are unable to go at your allotted time, it will
be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker.
Both workers' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilets.
At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will
retract, and the door will open.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so they
can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch
because that's all the time needed to drink a Slimfast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you must come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing we will assume that
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay rise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our organization. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations
or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice day
HR Department
Subject: schools in the 60's apparently turned out smarter people????
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable, but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Zellers with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed
it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on
the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was
using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you
need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I! Should have replaced the battery to this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit
this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know... Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the
batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier',
the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
If you have Dublin friends and you're having a bit of a challenge understanding their ways, this little story might help.
How to get to Heaven from Dublin
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday
school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to
heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that
get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children
answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the
garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into
heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to
smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets
to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into
heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just
bursting with pride for them.
I continued, ' Then how can I
get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out:
" YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
Flour?
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy as an example.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.
pmsl jax :giggle::giggle:
:giggle::evil2:
