I have decided to start a thread about us there will be fiction and some fact. We are not the waltons (TG)Comments appreciated. The day figure at the start of each post is my age. Let me know what you think. I apologise for the insanity of my life in advance
PS names have been changed to protect the guilty!
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The Mulders
Day 17,000
Life goes on around me. I am like an island in an angry sea. Right enough of the creative stuff. Mrs M out on town( will arrive home pissed and horny (wohoo) have massage oil, restraints and a shaving brush to hand.
All kids asleep put mogadon in nite time drinks. No coitus interruptus here. All cats are out (only one pussy needed here) dogs are kennelled and tortoise is asleep under hot light (sunday roast mmmmmmm. Fish died but have told kids he invented reverse of aqualung and made good his escape (could almost see the wheels turnng in their little heads)
Boy had birthday party today and it raised interesting question Am I dirty old man for wanting to shag 2 of his friends moms (preferably together) well if you are going to have fantasy may as well be greedy with it. OH well hear taxi outside Mrs M utside hopefully she can make it upstairs, last time had to shag her on stairs embarassing when kids step over you and give you marks out of ten for technical skill and artistic endeavour (a 5.5 and 6.5 if you must know)sex now sleep later as homer would say. well thats it for now stuck at home. damn have mass in morning son embarassed us at mass last week by turning and saying loudly "Is there really a GOD" ot of the mouths of babes nite all.
Day 17000 part 2 there is no such thing as a free lunch or shag for that matter. We all do what we do to get what we want. Kids brought tea and toast at 7:30 AM. serving at mass dad need to bring us. Mrs M still unresponsive in shag department. discression was better part of valour last nite so put the dirty thing (her words not mine i wash it regularly)away. Out of bed and in shower at 8am showered shaved dressed and having brekkie at 9 when Mrs M texted "kids have dates wrong not serving till next week" bugger. cannot get back into bed as my side of bed is occupied by 2 children 2 cats and a dog. coaxed dog and 1 cat off bed however no success with second cat or children. dug out laptop and here I am. I have become unpaid taxi driver and ATM for the children. Exercise bike beckons and my untoned tummy pleads NO. time to "shed the ned kelly" so its half hour on bike (not Mrs M who despite my best efforts continues to resist my exact words were "move it or lose it". lovely after that dogs to walk and then If at first you dont succeed try again, will attempt seduction of Mrs M again. will I succeed this time or I will i be left with an erect penis and no home for it. occupation of HER bed is like trench warfare a war of attrition. Iget the feeling i am losing or maybe its a mid life crisis.
exits stage left more anon.
PS to answer questions yes all cats were out, kids did occupy bed and ousted me however i retook the territory albeit temporarily.
As to confusion Marie welcome to my world. permanently confused here.
use shower Gel (insignia not soap).As son had birthday party yesterday did not want to go to mass was busy counting money (well he would if I hadnt liberated it) so no awkward questions on existence of God today so far.
A fate worse than death.
day 17000 part 4 shopping to feed the horde (the kids) like aplague of locusts they descend on the fridge and eat everything includig the little bulb. Must get into fridge sometime to make sure light does actually go off when door closes. After shopping left horde putting away groceries found Mrs M bent over bed and took wadvantage for own nefarious ends (quickie sex) I will burn in hell but it was worth it.
right off now for quick perve in chatroom. thankyou and goodnite. must see about hat trick as soon as mrs M gets here.
Day 17001 up at 6 am. God I hate Mondays. despite tiredness mr perfect (her name not mine) indicated his desire to have some form of interaction with the recumbent Mrs M. I tried reasoning with him but to no avail. Attempt at coitus was rebuffed and made hasty retreat to bathroom and shower. Showered and shaved happy now weight this week is 11 stone. Have not had a kit kat for 3 weeks now and desire for one wearing off. I am sublimating my addiction to kit kats and replacing it with sex or least trying to (you would think that Mrs M would help a sick man). Breakfast was enjoyable, all the horde asleep so no interruptions. Made one last attempt to seduce MRs M with tea and toast, even offered to strip however this was met with guffaaw of laughter and almost choked on her toast (that woman does not appreciate me)
Work is same as always same faces. Our Co-op student all 6 foot 2 of her has me baffled. I still havent figured out how I could climb to the top (only 5 foot 7 here). I think team of sherpas and perhaps a helicopter required. Meanwhile have delegated as much work as I can get away with, so now must actually go and break a sweat ( yeah right).
Lunch was delectable sumptious banquet of ham sambos and an apple washed down with Tipperary spring water. One of the operators tried to blow himself up earlier wired a Power supply wrong. I was standing by with stick, no not to save him but to turn him over and cook him on the other side (have you seen the price of meat these days).
Paid our monthly lotto today 4 years won nothing except the odd scratchcard think he keeps the money and spends it on lapdancers and hookers or maybe thats just my back to grindstone but first i need a wee, bugger buttons instead of zip on these jeans takes too long must see doctor bout some repiping.
later all.
I read in dis-belief ... it is like I reading about me ... are you stalking me ... have you bugged my house ...
I wonder what i will be getting up to tomorrow ...
although 1 difference no 6':2" intern ... in my world she is replaced by a 5 foot hobbit...can we swop that part of our parallel lived
arrived home peace of this morning replaced by the horde demanding food and money. Just realised one of horde was missing, I thought one of the muzzles looked very clean. She was at friends for weekend had to be dragged home cant think why. Once fed they retreated to their tree and seemed to be settling down for nite. Mrs M too tired for anything on her feet all day, tough being a streetwalker when u live in the country. hopefully she wont read this or she may be collecting the life insurance from inside. was wrong about horde they have come down from tree and sent me to bed, sad really when your kids tell you its time for bed. its only a short hop now to the adult are downstairs now planning God knows what, probably world domination or how to get more money from less daddy. Thank god for mrs M all she has to do is make the face at them and they retreat to tree with tails between legs (some sort of genetic abnormality at least i hope so alternative does not bear thinking about). Shame its illegal to dock tails now altho I would have to catch them first and they are surprisingly fast and very vicious.
survived another day despite the best efforts of everyone in my life (just because you are paranoid does'nt mean they are'nt out to get you)
So nite for now If Mrs M doesnt smother me with pillow during nite chat tomorrow.
I suppose a ride is out of the question Mrs M.
You are sshowing me 2 fingers mrs M does that mean u want to do it twice.
NO !!!!
Right I will get some sleep so and can you put the burdizzo back in the drawer.
PS Alan I have 5 foot hobbit of my own I married her altho she does shave her feet
Sex God
I can see a sit com developin out of this
day 17002. Awoke to sound of birds singing and rabbitsgamboling in field. Eating breakfast in peace once again before one of the horde descended like Genghis Khan and the mongols and shattered the peacefulness. Mind you it was interesting watching her chase down the rabbit and eat it raw. Gave me time to make my escape. Mrs M snoring. received call from her later why didnt you kiss me goodbye. I replied that I was afraid she might detain me for her own carnal pleasures and I was late for work. When she stopped laughing and picked herself off the ground she told me to "have a nice day". Son has taken to living in sitting room watches TV eats biscuits sweets and fizzy drinks, never comes out to see me when I arrive M be thankful he comes out to go to the loo. Mind you I am beginning to have my doubts(there is a faint smell of urine from one corner of sitting room) and beginning to think he is as ferrile as the rest of them (the frothing at the mouth and the throwing of faeces dont help that assumption).Note to self get out power washer and taser its annual bath time for the horde, its going to be fun. Its 13:00 and only just realised my manager is out-damn damn damn and me actually working today. So now will sleep under desk or hang upside down from light fitting for rest of day. Mixed some paint for touch up (not that kind of touch up you perves) and the nice fumes are giving me a buzz. mind you will have headache later no not the fumes Mrs M will be demanding conjugal rites so I like to keep her on her toes by saying No from time to time (Did that convince you NO me neither). Right off now for a snooze must set alarm for 5pm.
Day 17002 part 2 and 17003 (economising). alarm failed only woke up 5 minutes before i was supposed to leave, factory empty and lights off - lazy buggers. mind you suppose they could have shaved off one of my eyebrows before leaving. anyway home and then shopping yes shoping again. The hordes appetites are expanding exponentially. Need larger fridge and larder. Returned home and used chair and whip to fight off horde while Mrs M put food away, brought some bones which distracted them long enough to get fridge locked and the lasers activated, despite this they still try and break into fridge in search of we had CCTV installed MrsM and I lie in bed and watch their efforts, their little heads smouldering in the laser light ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Suffice to say tired and explained to MrsM that at my age too much sex is bad for you this met with blank expression and she me anyway (not complaining tho pretending to resist makes her try harder shhhh).
Sleep and woke at usual time fell into shower then after shower discovered no towel only hand one. Had to make sortie downstairs for bath towel. Was afraid one of horde might wake and go for flesh could easily lose a limb in one of their feeding frenzies (breakfast lunch and dinner to everyone else). Breakfast uneventful yahhh). escaped from house unscathed. enough for now tired and must lie down. Meant to say you are probably wondering where we get time to swing we dont so writing this to sublimate the sexual tension oh and its not working but such is life. Will have to lock horde in garage tonight as need to watch spain germany in peace no swinging from chandeliers (Mrs M) or flining poo (the horde). will be loading the tranquilliser gun with darts, can hopefully get them all before they take to the trees. Will let u know how it goes
:rotflmao: RTE need to buy the rights to this ,better than Fairly Shitty City :rotflmao::rotflmao:day 17003 part 2. Arrived home to angry wife even horde were hiding inthe long grass (note to self time to cut lawn). Blames me for fact she is half pound up at weightwatchers, seems my protein contains too many calories (work that out for yourselves). I claimed since vasectomy protein is fat free. She does not blame the bottle of wine Taytos and various chocolates and cheesecake consumed over last several days. She is now in bedroom like little hamster in wheel on exercise bike. Suspect it might be safer to sleep on sofa tonite. Horde began to filter back in after MrsM disappeared upstairs muttering bout me having ruined figure impregnating her five times. I replied it was no fun for me either however I think she has taken this the wrong way and it may be some time before I get my leg over again. As stated earlier took tranquilliser gun to horde got 4 of them before last one sneaked up snatched gun and shot me in ass. Writing this after I woke up and persuaded them that cooking daddy in a large pot with some vegetables (bless them for thinking of their greens) was slightly illegal, however I bribed them with some chocolate I had kept for just such an emergency. What they dont know is that it is laxative chocolate so I suspect that at about 3 or 4 in morning the sh*t will hit more than the fan. so off to sleep now on couch Hamster still whirring away upstairs will throw her some nuts (not mine) before going to sleep. Nite all.
Woken by strange noises at 2 AM. No it wasnt the laxative chocolate kicking in. On investigation found one of our dogs attempting to get the lid of the toilet up. Now whether the dog was thirsty or wanted to use the facilities we will never know because just then the laxative chocolate kicked and my myself and dog were trampled in stampede for loo. Thankfully we have 3 loos so the poor dog was only slightly speckled. I left the horde with the world falling out their bottoms and headed to bed. Mrs M snuggled into me and I of course being a man broke wind (farted) loudly. This led to my eviction from bed and being compared unfavourably with a pig and "I would rather sleep with a pot bellied pig" were her words.I returned to sofa and ousted the dogs who were sheltering from the horde on the sofa. More later once the loos are power hosed.
