Day 17004.
Awoke to strange smell (no not horde thnkfully one of them had fallen asleep on loo. being vindictive sod I pushed them off into the bath having first filled it with ice cold water and added some ice cubes just in case it wasnt cold enough. Ran for kitchen amid shrieking and chattering teeth. Escaped to work once more tho work is beginning to resemble home have 2 operators tweedle dumb and tweedle brains were dynamite they couldnt blow their noses. They are however immensely entertaining and i watch their peculiar habits from my cubicle as I pretend to work. received phone call from Mrs M next door neighbour giving her grief over dog barking at 5pm in evening, she couldnt sleep. Mrs M told her to go away but used the vernacular when she said it. Mrs M says I may have to let horde cook and eat her. Not sure about that tho if they taste human flesh there may be no holf=ding them and its bad enough when all the neighbours keep asking where their cats and dogs are going. My rumour about the local chinese has them fooled for the minute. headed to bed with horde chewing on what looked like Mrs O briens ginger tom. No nookie for me for week Mother nature has given Mrs M her monthly gift. Stil a mouths a mouth open wide and say aww Mrs M. Mrs M says Move it or lose it. So there we are your faithfully frustrated in tipperary nite all.
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The Mulders
Day 17005 FRIDAY 48 hours with the horde looms. Consuming copious quantities of drugs to cope. Checking body armour etc. the horde make al-queda look like the cub scouts. Perhaps I should send them to search for Osama (be worth it for the reward). Several of the horde awake this morning at brekkie, pocket money day and they droped subtle hints give me my money Da or else. I pretended to be still asleep they can try extorting it from their mother. You would think the protection racket they run downtown would be enough for them. Lunch today consists ot the exotic ham sandwich with believe it or not mayonaisse (thats the exotic part). As sandwich was prepared by one of horde had my taster check it out first. Would not put it past Mrs M to pay one of horde to poison me so she could collect the insurance. Taster still alive tho sometimes its hard to tell (he drools alot and has a constant glazed expression). Going to eat now before taster drools on it mind you might improve flavour. Later people if I am still alive.
Alive and kicking tho the kicking is just to stop one of the horde latching onto leg (like limpets they are). Long dark teatime of the soul (with respect to Douglas Adams) arrived home to find elderly man eating my dinner, had I been replaced in Mrs M's affections ( you were never in them says MrsM) she really is a heartless witch. Only part of horde at home one hunting farm animals (barbeque tomorrow), the other babysitting hopefully she will bring home one for sunday lunch mmmmmmmmm roast baby with new potatoes. All horde in house now you can blame them for rain they performed some ritual rain dance last nite, it was really a ritual to get rid of neighbour but the spell went wrong and the demon they conjuered up had a hearing problem and when they told it to bring pain to her it thought they said rain so here we are sorry!!!!! Demon has gone back to netherworld altho i did try to send it to specsavers for a hearing aid which completely confused it and it wandered off into the nite muttering and trying to shake of one of horde who was gnawing on its leg. SO Friday over in bed horde downstairs eating chocolate (not the laxative kind) as I felt sorry for them well actually I didnt but the toilet roll bill was bankrupting us. Horde now refusing to use toilet paper they saw recycled on packaging and stated no way were they using paper that touched someones elses ass. Luckily I had todays Independent with me so I went to bed and left horde cutting up paper into sheets, Thnkfully I got broadsheet edition it will go further. Nite all
Sex God
:grin: excellent :clap::clap::clap:
17006. weight still 11 stone also bald and ugly but cest la vie.
Poor old Mulder sat on wall,
Poor old Mulder had a great fall,
All the kings harem and all the kings men, (he swings both ways)
Said f**k him hes only a bald ugly little man.
But enough of my melancholy mood 20 days to payday and the horde have stolen (well extorted) all my money oops our money. As Mrs M always says whats yours is mine and whats mines my own. Thankfully she gets drunk easily and i get some of hers (not talking money here for those of you who have lost the thread). Abandoned horde to their own devices and went foraging (shopping). Their appetites and their ability to annoy us are growing proportionetly. Returned home and fed the horde they have now retreated to their trees, they each have one now as if they are in same tree they tend to attack each other by spitting and p***ing on each other or by flinging poo. Its a miracle that they are allowed in civilized society. Watched quest for fire on telly the other nite and was amazed by similiarities between horde and primitive man. My family are devolving rather than evolving (the tails were a clue). Well the rain is stopping so I must go and let the horde out toilet training etc .You'd want to see the size of their litter box and its costing us a fortune in cat litter. THankfully I dont have to empty it. on the subject of toilet paper horde complaining that the independent has very little soakage and could i procure an examiner or times to see if that improves. when i informed that the newspapers were also made from recycled paper there was a muttered discussion and I later found them picking dock leaves in the garden. I didnt have the heart to tell them that i sprayed the dock leaves with weedkiller last week and I am quite looking forward to seeing the effect of it on their respective bottoms. I foreseee a visit to casualty nite all.
:giggle:Muldern, if I may give you a little advice here with your toilet paper problem. I would suggest you restrict the hoarde to shitting in different parts of the lawn. I myself use an electric fence in a similar way to strip grazing, I suppose you could call it strip-shitting.
Not only will this give your lawn a uniform texture and colour, within a couple of weeks the grass will be long enough to replace the toilet paper. You will then have a completely self sufficient and green shitter.
Gud nite John-boy, nite Mary-Ellen, nite Mldern-T
LOngjon all grass will be gone shortly I found some weedkiller in a bunker at bottom of called agent orange. On reading side effects might explain tails on horde. Thanks for the advice tho and if we ever dig up the concrete and put grass back in will try it. I have asked the horde toperform their abulutions on the neighbours lawns and I will observe the results. Horde mostly asleep hanging from light fittings. several still foraging since they discovered fire they are always bbquing something cat, dog, small child whatever. So in bed now another day survived and closer to retirement actually escape from horde. One of horde has just come up with a white spider with a red stripe, I banned them from genetic experiments after they spliced shark and hedgehog DNA to create some abomination which is still loose in our garden. Hopefully the agent orange will sort him out too. Anyway best look at spider knowing my luck spider will bite me and I will wake up looking like Toby Maguireand with ability to shoot webs from my penis or something. Nite all
Just when ye thought it was safe to go back into the forum, like an std i am back lol.
Day 17007 Dawn broke the horde broke it. brought them to Mass and watched as they ate all the host and drank wine they kept asking where was body, tried explaining transubstantiation but gave up when they started eating holy candles. They think Mass is great they get food drink and they collect money. they pass round the basket but forget to give it priest. One of horde was sick last nite the others are watching as they eat the weakest once they see a chance. Mrs M had to herd them in for their showers they are allergic to water at least you would think so from all the wailing and moaning and gnashing of teeth. Rescued Guinea pig from abandoned house. brings animal nos in house to 12. do not count horde in animal nos as not sure of classification. may need genetic testing for that. All horde fascinated by TV programmes about serial killers etc think they are picking up tips as i see one of them taking notes. Fear for my life (if thats what you want to call it). however suspect my end will be spectacular if the horde have their way. perhaps bomb in toilet sleep now as MRs M has said good nite usually means if i dont get off computer i will experience of some kind. nite all and btw survived another weekend of horde small victory for me yaaahhh
Day 17008 Have spent morning wearing Biohazard level 4 suit. Workmate has spent weekend on beer and entering his office is incompatible with human life. Have taken to observing him from outside thru glass window. Have interrogated him and discovered that you get this bio weapon by feeding a human being numerous pints of harp and then topping it off with a feed of sardines and beans. Then you allow the human body to do its thing and the result is a noxious Gas which probably violates several geneva conventions on the production of biological weapons. We have deemed his office off limits and cordoned off the area appropriately.
Day 17009- The toxic threat is over for the moment. We have banned him mixing beans and sardines from now on under pain of death. Abandoned Guinea pig is doing well at home (we reckon that by Christmas he will be fat enough so that we wont need a Turkey). Remember people a pet is not just for christmas if you are careful you can make a properly cooked pet last till new year. Meanwhile the Horde are being uncharacteristically quiet, I fear some sort of revolution is in the offing. I am preparing some stun grenades and Northumbria Police have offered me some Tasers which they say were used only once and which for some reason they want to dispose of quickly. Thanks to agent orange all grass in in back garden is dying however so are all lawns in the neighbourhood and the trees. Have also noticed a lack of birdsong perhaps putting the 10 x 40 gallon drums in the middle of back garden and igniting with some leftover naplam so that the agent orange became an aerosol was not a good idea, so much for the towns chances in Tidy Towns this year ooops. Horde are depressed they tell me, I have said i will drop press from upstairs landing on them and they will be depressed then. This illicited no laugh so I gave them some drugs and sent them to play in middle of road. Gardai called about an hour after this and requested that the horde return their squad car uniforms and truncheons. Drugs wore off some hours later and was able to do as Gardai asked. Meanwhile Mrs M continues to plot my demise. I have no concrete proof for this but she does keep trying to measure me and muttering about a wooden overcoat. Anyway if I am alive tomorrow more tales from the darkside.
I have no concrete proof for this but she does keep trying to measure me and muttering about a wooden overcoat. Anyway if I am alive tomorrow more tales from the darkside.
at least it is wood - & not concrete shoes ...:evil2:
Never mind the darkside you need to transport to another dimension ...
but then who will protect us from the horde :taz::taz::taz::taz::taz::taz:
Day 17010 Sitting at desk contemplating excuse for life. Tried to sell one of horde for medical experiments. The explained that it is now illegal to sell your kids. I told them what if it was someones child I wanted to sell. At this point they asked me to leave. I long for the old days when you could send children down into sewers and up chimneys and have them clean out the pipes of Nuclear power plants (the ninteen seventies). Getting nostalgic now. the music the doors the who etc. the hair (I had some then ). The horde laugh when I tell them i once used to play soccer wearing a head band to keep hair out of my eyes. It is'nt easy growing old well actually it is, you just have to sit there and watch wrinkles appearing and hair disappeearing. Dont get me started on Botox are people mad look up Botulinim Toxin on Interwebby thing and tell me how mad that is. Horde are driving Mrs M nuts. School hols are a pain and she says she will take elephant gun to them shortly. I am safe at my desk at work lunch today was go on guess something different NO ham sandwiches and apple and water. I am so happy i could s**t. (thats irony btw). Beginning to think world is running in slo mo or maybe its just me. The more things change the more they stay the same. Politicians philander and behave in a corrupt manner, the rich get richer and the rest of us keep our heads above water. Enough of this melancholy tripe eat drink and be merry for tomorrow the bill on this rock becomes due. Horde worrying me too quiet by half. suspect one drugs are working or 2 and most likely scenario they are working for Iran on enriching plutonium for weapons (explains why they glow in the dark). As long as I get my cut I will be happy. Mrs M has just texted and is demanding her conjugal rites so I must gird my loins We who are about salute you More anon.
Mrs M here as himself is will do anything to avoid having sex with me, even leaving the country. My darlings (he calls them the horde) are gathered around me and we are relishing his absence. DVD pringles malteasers and wine altho not sure my darlings should have a bottle could used to this pehaps the icelandic volcano will erupt and he will be stuck there for a week or 2. Right visitors arriving so nite all and Mr M when u read this kisses from me and the darlings xxx
Mr M here must write quickly. Mrs M believes I am out of the country but I have in fact been abducted by aliens. They have been trying to probe me for the last day or 2 but so far I have outwitted them. They are fascinated by my tales of the horde and I think they might be interested in buying them from me. Their spaceship is vaguely reminiscent of a dungeon and smells kind of funny leather and old spice. Whips and chains everywhere (slightlysexy would be very much at home here I suspect). I did mention that for an alien spaceship it was very low tech but one of them brandished a large probe and I decided that perhaps silence was golden in this case. I have now secreted myself in an arras (for those of you who feared the worst this is a curtained off corner). I can hear the aliens wandering around and muttering in strangely familiar accents. Perhaps they are trying to lure me out. Hang on this mask I have on, I have just realised is a gimp mask. This is some sort of S and M club, blasted horde have had me kidnapped. Right I am making a run for it and just wait till I catch the horde........................
Apologies for long delay in returning for past weeks I have been enconsed as an embedded observer in horde central command (kids bedroom). Our neighbour launched a premptive strike on the horde 2 weeks ago and much like the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour she has only awakened a sleeping giant (Ok they arent that tall). Almost before the attack had ended the horde had retaliated with all the weapons at their disposal. They threw everything at her poo (so like chimps its incredible), shitty nappies ( and we have no kids in nappies)small animals and at one point I was hoisted on to a home made catapult before they realised that punting me thru the air onto the neighbours might not be conducive to being able to sit down for several days.(size 8.5 boot applied to posterior will do that). Neighbour retreated undr hail of poo and has been reduced to making sorties to the shops for supplies. The horde have tried to cut off her supply route but the fire brigade towed away the burning articulated trucks after a day or so (again under a hail of poo). At this moment in time they have cut neighburs communications blew up satellite dish in a daring dawn raid. ( they threw one of her dogs at it and knocked it down). As I write the horde are taking turns tunneling towards her house. They have what I can only describe asthe largest fertiliser bomb i have ever seen assembled and ready to go. I did manage to stop one of them who was online with some russian called vladimir and had negotiated a swap of mrs m for a suitcase nuke. once i pointed out that angry mrs m would make nuclear detonation seem like picnic when mrsm returned the deal was cancelled. One evening last week they dined on beans for the whole day then the following morning with the wind in the right direction and perched on wall bordering neighbour launched a gas attack of epic proportions. A neighbour 4 houses down out having his morning smoke lost his eyebrows and several inches of beard when he lit up. Neighbour emerged wearing gas mask and giving the horde the 2 fingers. Her cries of victory turned to screams of pain as the gas mask began to melt from the noxious gases emanating from horde. she was dragged to safety by husband. the neighbourhood is curiously quiet now we lost all the cats and birds to explosive outgassing in the first few minutes of that particular offensive. I have been asked to leave the command bunker as the chiefs of staff are discussing the next phase of the war. As I look across the neihborhood i can see the faces of those who have lost loved ones in this war. Oh the humanity, little children looking into mammys eyes and asking "will daddys hair ever grow back". the shattered lives (mine, i would kill for a kit kat).Mrs M has stated no more nookie till war ends so I may have to take out neihbour (not in good way dougal in a mafia way) or the horde. The only thing that scares me more than mrs m is the horde so simple choice there. I am climbing into my foxhole for some zz's pulling my helmet down to drown out the hourly gas attacks (mrs m stop giving that boy beans, every blade f grass in a mile radius is burned.) nite people pray for me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
