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Something to cheer us all up ....
two rookie cops are walking back to there car when they see a big tall coloured man dancing on there car.... both in complete shock look at each other and the young rookie says sarge when have a problem!!
sarge says go on he says there is a big black man dancing on the car!!
sarge enraged by his inpolitcal out burst he says speak they way you were thought you moron!!
rookie comes back TANGO ZULU ON SERRIA ONE !
this is not meant to offend !!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
RELIGIOUS BOYFRIEND
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"
The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy
is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes,
and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move! During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,the sister on his right and the
mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy
is still praying; "and Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his
girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad
was a pharmacist!
Moral the story, always have good, holy, and honourable intentions. You
never know!
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.
'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all Night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'
'Dunno ... Never found the head!' :clap:
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week as my birthday and I didn't
feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
' Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch...
Naked.:bounce:
:rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao:
:bounce::bounce::bounce::bounce:
Brilliant!!!!!Brian Cowan was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
>>
>> classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
>>
>> their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Cowan if he would like to lead
>>
>> the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
>>
>>
>>
>> So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
>>
>>
>>
>> A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
>>
>> farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him,
>>
>> that would be a 'tragedy.'
>>
>> No, said Brian - that would be an accident.'
>>
>> A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
>>
>> drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
>>
>> I'm afraid not, explained Brian - that's what we would call great
>>
>> loss
>>
>> The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Brian searched
>>
>> the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a
>>
>> tragedy?'
>>
>> Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
>>
>> In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mr. Lenihan was
>>
>> struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would
>>
>> be a tragedy.'
>>
>> 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brian. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
>>
>> that would be tragedy?'
>>
>> 'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
>>
>> wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident
>>
>> either!'
>
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!
(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
8) What color is a purple finch ?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass
Check your answers below.
ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ?
116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats ?
Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?
Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?
November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?
Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?
Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name ?
Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ?
Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?
New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?
Orange (of course!)
What do you mean, you failed?!!
Me, too...!!!
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you
are second!
Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but
don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then> you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add
another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000.. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last
question right... Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay,
now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a
pair of sunglasses;
how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.
He said - she said
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear
pants don't you?
He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways
and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room . .. . 'My husband follows
me everywhere' Written just below it . .. . ' I do not'
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?' God says: 'So you would love her.'
But God,' the man says, 'why did you make her so
dumb?' God says: 'So she would love you.'
President Obama and VP Joe Biden are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Obama and Biden sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Obama says, 'We're planning WW III.'
The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Biden says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Biden turns to Obama and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine .
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11.
Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Holiday in China
While on holiday in China a guy is sexually promiscuous, not using a condom
all the time he's there.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis
covered by dark purple lumps.
Horrified he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the guy to come back in two days for the results.
When he returns the doctor tells him, I've got bad news for you, you've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here - we know very little about it.'
The man says ' Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc '. The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Fair enough, do that if you want. But surgery is your only choice.'
So the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, hoping he'll know more about the
disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah yes. Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease .'
The guy replies, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid western docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. I say - no need amputate!'
'Oh, Thank God! ' the man replies.
'Yes,' continues the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
While on holiday in China a guy is sexually promiscuous, not using a condom
all the time he's there.
A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his penis
covered by dark purple lumps.
Horrified he immediately goes to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the guy to come back in two days for the results.
When he returns the doctor tells him, I've got bad news for you, you've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here - we know very little about it.'
The man says ' Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc '. The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Fair enough, do that if you want. But surgery is your only choice.'
So the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, hoping he'll know more about the
disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims,
'Ah yes. Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease .'
The guy replies, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid western docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. I say - no need amputate!'
'Oh, Thank God! ' the man replies.
'Yes,' continues the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
0 - 150 in under 4 seconds
“You never surprise me,†a woman moaned to her long suffering husband.
“Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that accelerates from 0 to 150 in under 4 seconds,...and I'd prefer a blue one!†she hinted.
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her...
Apparently he's dead now ... but he died a legend
“You never surprise me,†a woman moaned to her long suffering husband.
“Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that accelerates from 0 to 150 in under 4 seconds,...and I'd prefer a blue one!†she hinted.
Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her...
Apparently he's dead now ... but he died a legend
During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:
" MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy Washington "
When asked why she had such a long password, she said
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital.:doh:
You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University ..
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage
with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank every one for coming, many from
long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family
and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
Bath Night
A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told
her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.
When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:
"Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful.
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses. "
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean:".................NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
Several men are in the changing room of their local football club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN : 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models and darling, guess what? I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '£390,000'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Wow that's Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. T hey're asking £2,950,000' for it.
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £2,800,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN : 'Bye! I love you, too.'
T he man hangs up. T he other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks:
' Anyone know who this phone belongs to? '
A young woman in Galway was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for.
I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'
The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a Fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece offruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by The
captain.'What are you doing here?' the captain asked.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to America , and he's screwing me.'
'He certainly is,' the captain replied. This is the Arran Islands Ferry
Classic Tommy Cooper !
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
2 . Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm
going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside."
"How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
17 . So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."
22 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Kerry 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Kerry search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night
...JUST LIKE THAT.
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
2 . Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3 . A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm
going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside."
"How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
17 . So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20 . Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."
22 . A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Kerry 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Kerry search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night
...JUST LIKE THAT.
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognised Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention!'
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Sex God
overheard in the queue in front of me in the post office this mornin
-didya hear about that lesbian wan thah had the 5 babies
-jaysus 5, thats some load isnt it, sure it wont be that bad, isnt there 2 of them to share the breastfeedin
I tried but i couldnt stop myself laughin , neither could the 2 women in the q behind me
Q. What's the difference between a northsider and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
Q. Two northsiders jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What does a northsider girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old northsider girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a northsider in a box?
A. Innit.
Q. What do you call a northsider in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.
Q. Why did the northsider cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.
Q. What do you call a northsider girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. If you're driving and see a northsider on a bike why should you try not
to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.
Q. What's the first question during a northsider quiz night?
A. What you looking at.
Q. Two northsiders in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman
