Some Short Jokes

22 Apr 2011

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch." Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your dick a nd say "well done"? Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?" My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio. Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!! They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive! Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard." A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!" A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

23 Apr 2011

brill jokes thanks for the laugh

25 Apr 2011

:lol: Don't think I ever heard any of them before. :giggle:

9 May 2011

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop... As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, 'Must be doing well... Only two left." --------------------------------------------- Two croupiers are bored silly at the craps table when this stunning blonde walks in. She proceeds to walk over to them. she says "I am extremely lucky when I play in the nude." So the croupiers look at each other and then at her. She strips off and places a very large bet. One game. She jumps up and down, screaming "I won! I won!" She collects her winnings, grabs her clothes and runs off. Dazed, on croupier asks the other, "How much did she win?" "I don't know, thought you were watching the cards?" ---------------------------------------------- What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer. ---------------------------------------------- Whats yellow and sleeps 7? A council road workers van.

13 May 2011

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Two friends are fishing near a a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years " Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""f*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just had a letter back from said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us. Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too! Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists? A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening. Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travelers) or C.*.N.T.S. for short. Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake. I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was lol

:thumbup:

22 May 2011

THE RAISE I, the Penis, hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Dear , After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative -you need to be pressured and stimulated to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags. Sincerely, The Management --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? (a) Just one -- but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him. (b) None at all -- he hires menials for work that's beneath him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "What's the 6-pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women > >differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and > >Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head > >and women with their heart. > > > >FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were > >getting into bed. > > > >Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other > >and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood > >she looks up at me and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you > >to hold me." > > > >I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" > > > >So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to > >hear... "You're just not in > >touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy > >your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by > >saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for > >you in the bedroom?" > > > >Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to > >sleep. > > > >The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time > >with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a > >big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while > >she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't > >decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She > >wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get > >a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where > >she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she > >was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short > >of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she > >asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play > >tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, > >honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the > >excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I > >think this is all > >dear, let's go to the cashier." > > > >I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I > >don't feel like it." > > > >Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a > >baffled WHAT?" > > > >I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. > >You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough > >for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when > >she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why > >can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy > >you?" > > > >Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she > >knows I'm smarter than her. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

23 May 2011

Universal truths 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones. 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 11) You never know where to look when eating a banana. 12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball. 15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. 18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong! 22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. 23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 24) You never ever run out of salt. 25) Old ladies can eat more than you think. 26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. 30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard 32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 34) Bricks are horrible to carry. 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

25 May 2011

A man leaves his apartment on doing so he bumps into the girl who lives across the hall coming out of her apartment. She is tall with long blonde hair and great body and is just wearing small robe. The two get chating for a while when the when the girls robe opens. She qickly grabs the man into her apartment "quick get in here i think i hear someone coming" says the girl. While inside the girl takes off her robe and asks "what part of body do like the most?" The man replies "your ears". "What?, i have these long legs this tight ass and big pert boobs and you like my ears?" "Well" says the the man " you have great ears because out in the hall you said you heared someone coming and that was me"

25 May 2011

My doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.