Sex God
I thought this was funny.....
When a woman sees a man's penis, she immediately places her mouth on it.
All men have dicks at least 9 inches long and 3 inches wide.
Women's panties become soaked with moisture at the slightest suggestion of sex.
When a man sees a pretty girl, his 9 inch penis immediately becomes rock-hard and she always notices it. When she sees it, she smiles.
All women love to swallow.
Blond goddesses with gigantic breasts and gorgeous bodies are all secretly in love with nerdy computer geeks, and their ambition is to move into the apartment next door to a computer geek.
Men and women always cum at the same time during sex.
Premature ejaculation? Never!
Babysitters are the luckiest people on the face of the earth.
School teachers and college professors are the second luckiest people on the face of the earth.
Women really have the best (or full) orgasms only from phallic intercourse.
When a husband finds that his wife has been cheating on him, he is more turned on than angry.
When a woman finds that her husband wants to watch her fuck other men, she thinks it a swell idea.
Pool boys/gardeners/groundskeepers are the third luckiest people on the face of the earth.
A girl's first date leads to her first kiss before ending with her first fuck.
Every woman, no matter what age, has perfectly trimmed or shaved pubic hair.
People who want sex don't have any obstacles. Parents go out of town for the weekend. When you want a matinee, your opposite number doesn't have a business lunch scheduled. The professor who is offered a sex slave for a passing grade doesn't fear entrapment. Your kid doesn't call for a glass of water. And the phone never rings!
All men can consistently deliver 8-10 thick blasts of semen.
All black guys are extremely well hung.
No one ever smells bad, even after having sex on a cum-soaked mattress for umpteen hours.
All women produce amazing amounts of "juice" that either flows down their legs or drips from their pussy like a leaky faucet. And they never dry out, even after hours of non-stop sex.
All women love pain, causes them to orgasm.
Everbody has a smooth ass. Even men.
Newspaper carriers (both boys and girls) are the fourth luckiest people on the face of the earth.
Any woman can deep throat any man no matter how long he is. Even if that means down the esophagus.
All women in a position of authority have secret desires to be submissive.
Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-breasted 18-year-old girls. Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old bodies.
Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
And you still want to perform oral sex in the morning, even though your partner didn't wash his dick or douche after doing anal sex the night before.
Everyone has a perfect body you could break a brick on.
"Everyone says their stories are true, but my story really is true. This is not a story but an actual account of a encounter I had with a gorgeous model who happened to have a spread in Hustler magazine..."
The wife has a secret stash of "toys" the husband has no clue about.
Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first time.
Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy come true.
A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be a by the end of the story.
Who needs condoms?
Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on multiple women
Any woman described as having a scientific occupation will invariably be occupied with making her breasts larger.
Every sexually transmitted disease and parasite has been eliminated. (Apparently with the same technology that allows women scientists to grow their breasts.)
When magically granted wishes, men will choose, in this order, the following: An 18" dick, the ability to attract women, and one of the following: obscene riches or the ability to grow breasts larger.
Practitioners of Magick have to do it nude.
Always be on the lookout for underage hitchhiking and homeless girls. If you buy them a meal and give them a place to stay for the night, they will reward you with the best sex you've ever had.
A backrub ALWAYS leads to something else.
Vaginas must be lined with asbestos in order to handle all the molten cum poured into them.
If a married man's wife has a sister, the sister will be a bombshell sexpot (more beautiful than his wife) who is just aching for a chance to leap in the sack with him.
Stretch marks don't exist.
Dozens of men worldwide have perfected mind-control devices which allow them to create huge harems.
Anyone caught in the act of masturbation won't stop, but will instead continue to completion.
Coeds never wear bras and panties.
Getting ass on campus is easy...just like it was in high school.
Dorm rooms are huge and perfect for orgies.
The only way to relieve yourself is on another person.
Older men always prefer younger girls, no matter how air-headed they may be. Older women are desirable only to younger, teenaged boys...but fortunately, those older women are more than willing to teach those teenage boys how to do it right.
Public places where sex always happens: In a subway car, limo or cab; stopped at a red light; traffic jam or accident; in a stuck elevator. If done in an alley, prepare to see the girl get gangbanged by the hoodlums who live there.
Parents routinely leave porn tapes and sex toys lying around the house for babysitters and children to find. (They do a better job hiding guns.)
No one ever says "I wish you'd shaved today."
If you have a hangup over a particular sex act, you'll get over it once you try it (no matter how perverted it is).
Cocks pound, drill, impale, and skewer. Pussies suck, clamp, and milk. Are we having sex or shop class?
Videos enhance sex. A sexually conservative wife/girlfriend will immediately become an insatiable slut after watching a hot tape.
Whenever "kinky" sex is mentioned or even hinted at, out come the nipple clamps. As everyone knows, they're sold in little stands on convenience store counters next to Slimjims and cigarette lighters.
When anal sex takes place, every anus and every rectum is absolutely clean and doesn't smell.
If a guy has a female friend who's a stripper, he'll end up backstage doing all her co-workers. If a girl has a male friend who's a stripper, she'll end up backstage getting gangbanged.
Your girlfriend's Mom is a carbon copy of her daughter and she's just as horny.
And your best friend's Mom looks like a sex goddess and hasn't had a good fuck in years.
Any story told with a male first-person narrator will describe any other penii in the story (if mentioned at all) as being "somewhat smaller". Optionally: "...smaller but thicker".
When visiting married friends not seen since high school/college, you must first smoke pot and get a good buzz going before reaming your buddy's wife in the ass while your own spouse wolfs down gallons of your buddy's come like it was diet pop. Flashback mode seems to work best here.
Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for hours at a time, especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys in a row.
All women love facials. Really.
