A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
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JOKES
A man noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Who's funeral is it?'
'My wife's'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He enquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?' he asked.
The man replied, 'Get in line.'
I was out shopping the other day when I saw six women beating my Mother-in-law up. As I stood there and watched, her neighbor, who knew me, said, "Well, aren't you going to help?" I replied, "No. Six of them is enough".
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.' :kick:
50 dollars is 50 dollars...
Morris and
his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every
year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'
Esther
always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and
Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that
helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To
this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The
pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a
deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay
quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty
dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word
was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot
turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I
could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the
truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you
know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Sex God
LITTLE RALPHY ON MAT H'S
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top= of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHS (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks his father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2 )
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My m u mmy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beauti ful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business
A woman with tiny breasts goes into M&S,and asks for a bra,size 32aaaa.
Assistant told her that they don't do anything that small!
She goes into La Senza,and asks for the same. Again she was told,they don't do anything in that size.
After several stores,and the same answer,,she storms into Debenhams,marches up to the Lingerie section,,pulls her top off and yells, " Do you have anything for these?"
The assistant replies "Have you tried Clearasil?"
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
Master of Sex
Speeding - Good, Better and Best
GOOD: Wexford: Garda Traffic Corps had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but weren't getting many. Then they discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read SPEED TRAP AHEAD'. The Garda also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money (And we used to just sell strawberries!)
BETTER: A motorist was mailed a photo of his car speeding through an
automated speed check on the N4. A €80 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the Gardai a photo of €80. The Gardai responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Traffic Corps Garda walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Garda Traffic Department Ball.' He replied, 'The Garda Traffic Department don't have balls.....' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
And an old classic to boot........
A Kerry senior citizen, 76, drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the Killarney road, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Garda car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Garda's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Garda walked up to the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Garda. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir" replied the Garda
Master of Sex
A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue
in Tesco's.........I have 2 dogs & I was buying a
large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in
the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no.
I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and the way that it works is to load your trouser
pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in
the queue was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the
hospital in that condition because I had been
poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit
me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack
he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the
door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
This photo has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at Saint Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Scroll down to see the picture
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Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Scroll down to see the picture
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Ben invites his mum for tea. She notices his flatmate Joe is very handsome and slightly camp and although she suspected Ben's gay he denies it and says that they are only flat mates. A few weeks later Joe says to Ben "Ever since your mam came to tea I can't find the frying pan." Ben emails his mam, "I'm not saying that you did take the frying pan but it's been missing ever since you came for tea. Love Ben." His mum replies "Dear son, I'm not saying you do sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the fucking frying pan by now!" Love Mum xx
Little Johnny is so excited its Christmas Eve, Mother is putting the finishing touches to the tree, father is busy lounging on the sofa, in the festive mood, having beers. Johnny pipes up ' does Santa have any children' Mother turns to answer then Father announces ' Nah dont be silly sure he only comes once a year and thats down the chimney'
Quote by user=bbwandhubby
A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue
in Tesco's.........I have 2 dogs & I was buying a
large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in
the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no.
I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in
both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet
and the way that it works is to load your trouser
pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in
the queue was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the
hospital in that condition because I had been
poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit
me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack
he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the
door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
Class!!!!! Total Class!!!!!
PMSL
:giggle::giggle::giggle::giggle::Giggle::giggle:
Quote by user=newbie9
This photo has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at Saint Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Scroll down to see the picture
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I must be grand; can't see any differences there at all.
Bull :high-smile:
Me either,,,, message to self.....
Must go to specsavers
I must be grand; can't see any differences there at all.
Bull :high-smile:
Must go to specsavers
Quote by user=BullAndBoo
This photo has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at Saint Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.
Scroll down to see the picture
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I must be grand; can't see any differences there at all.
Bull :high-smile:
Warming the Bed
1997, Canada) A woman in Canada called the police with a complaint that she had been burnt in a drug deal. She claimed that a man had sold her a rock of crack cocaine, but when she brought it home, it "looked like baking powder." The police dispatched a narcotics agent to her house, who tested the rock and verified that, despite its appearance, it was indeed cocaine. The woman was promptly arrested for drug possession. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) are encouraging anyone who thinks they may have been fooled into buying fake drugs to come forward
Wife says to husband "Last night I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for £10 and the thick ones went for £20" Husband says "How about the ones like mine?", to which the wife replies,"Those they gave away for free." Husband thinks for a moment and says "I had a dream last night too. I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for £100 and the nice little tight ones went for £200." Wife replies "And how about the ones like mine?", to which the husband's reply was "That's where they held the auction dear!"
One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Just passing this on without comment! 
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
