i was reading my paper the other me wife smacked me in the face. "What the fucking hell was that for?" i said, She said,"I was going through you pockets this morning when i pulled out a piece of paper with the name 'sexy jenny',written on it !!Quick as a flash i said."oh that was a tip for a horse that was running in the grand national",and it worked....she believed me !! The next week i got home from work and she fucking smashed me in the face with a frying pan !! "What the fuck was that for?" I said, She said,"Your fucking horse just phoned !!"
Recently acquired photographic evidence of what really happened during them middle east peace talks.
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now! 19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The Car Accident...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are not hurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be really good friends."
The man thinking their might be a bright side to this, replied, "I agree with you completely."
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we must drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few very large swigs from the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
My daughter told us this one today
"What to you call a snail on a boat??? A snailor. She cracked up she thought it was that funny, Bless
Something to offend EVERYONE
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin
> from Autoglass came round and injected that
> special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!
>
>
>
>
>
> Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be
> distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.
>
>
>
> A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
>
> " Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking
> my thumb...!!
>
>
> Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
>
> A man asks "What's wrong?"
>
> Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
>
> "Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
>
> Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind
> roight now."
>
>
> *** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The
> girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after.
> She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house,
> never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny
> and was never farted upon. The End.
>
>
>
> Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes
> to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone
> who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
>
>
>
>
>
> Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast
> speed that it's now possible to take a
> photograph of a woman with her gob shut.
>
>
>
> Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How
> good is that?
>
>
> I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
> could look at an unattended bag on the train or
> bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"
>
>
>
> Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
> farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
> The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b '
> stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
>
>
> Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials
> 999.
> Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
>
> Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is
> dead?"
> CLICK,BANG
>
> Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
