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JOKES
Sex God
Thank you Corkgirl
hwoar:
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER
DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO
USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM.
hwoar:
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER
DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.
2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.
4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO
USE A TIMER.
5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL
BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.
8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.
9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM. :laughabove::laughabove::laughabove:
Loved no.6
The birds and the bees via the 21st century
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Daddy, How was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said
Scroll down
You'll love this
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'You have Male 
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Daddy, How was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on
Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said
Scroll down
You'll love this
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?
?
?
?
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?
?
?
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?
'You have Male A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked: "What's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Italian men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. However, we have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."
"Running Bear," the man said. "Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends just call me
:grin:Boo.:grin:
Dear mr photocasebook and miss corkgirl....after reading the last 2 pages of (mostly) your jokes I have to confess to nearly wetting myself.:clap: I especially liked the International Man Rules....so much so I'm going to copy it into an email and distribute it to my friends - if thats ok with you mr photo sir:cheers:.
Keep up the good work folks, ur funnier than an oven full of scousers
.
. 
Sex God
Quote by user=BullAndBoo
A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked: "What's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Italian men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. However, we have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."
"Running Bear," the man said. "Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends just call me
:grin:Boo.:grin:
Excellent Bullandboo:laughabove:
Two girls were bathing together. So one girl asked her mate, "How come you have very little pubic hair on your pussy?" The other girl replied with this question, "Hey, have you ever seen tall grass on a busy road?"
Man and Wife at a Marraige Seminar dealing with communication.
Instructor says its essential that husbands and wives know things about each other.
He says to the husband what is your wives favourite flower.
Husband gives his wife a loving smile and says " Its Odlums isnt it?"
female college lecturer reminds her students about their exam tomorrow .apart from a death in the family or a nuclear attack im not taking any excuses for not sitting the at the back says,What if im suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion? class erupts into it quitens down she looks at him and says,Well youl have to write with your other hand
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.
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The seven dwarfs went to meet the pope
"Go on Dopey, ask, chanted the other 6
"Sir are there black nuns in Alaska",
"Yes there are" answered the pope
"Go on Dopey, ask, urged the other 6
Dopey blushed and asked " Sir are there midget nuns in Alaska"
"No i dont think so" said the pope
All 6 leapt up shouting
"Dopey rode a penguin, Dopey rode a penguin"
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Paddy is walking home one night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid and I'm yours," she whispers.
He's never been with a prostitute before but he thinks to himself, "why not?" so they disappear into the bushes. They've been shagging away for a few minutes when a light flashes on them they look up and see a police officer.
"What's going on here then?" asks the officer.
"Er, I'm just making love to my wife officer," Paddy answers quickly.
"Oh I'm sorry," says the cop "I didn't know."
"Well," says Paddy, "until you shined that flashlight on her face, neither did I."
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I WILL SURVIVE - GLORIA GAYNOR'S FAMOUS SONG
MALE VERSION
First I was afraid I was petrified
At the ugly slapper that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head.
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed…
I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace,
I only hope that your big knickers aren't made of liquorice lace
I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
Only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut.
God the things that you get up to when you're half cut.
Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared.
I think that I must have been mad,
God what made me want to court her?
With t*ts that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water
It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex on her dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse than the al-co-hol-ics curse.
I WILL SURVIVE !
To which the girls reply.........
FEMALE VERSION
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly w***er that was lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd know for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed...
I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your F###ing ugly face...!
I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Coz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere !
Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly p**ck
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, you tw*t.
It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun !
I WILL SURVIVE!!
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? however if you said first it's a maybe right as you might lap them
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10 What is the total?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple....
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Sex God
:laughabove::laughabove::haha: totaly missed the last question :doh:
Andy Sire help yourself and thanks.:thumbup: It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...
A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie
If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy
Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy
If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.
The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie
Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
10) The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes."
9) The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide."
8) The Hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown."
7) The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
6) The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
5) The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
4) The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em."
3) The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
2) The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
1) The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Four ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'"
:giggle: Sex God
The Irish World Domination Plan
As Ireland moved into the 20th century, it had become rich thanks to exports of potatoes and ninjas. People often thank the Irish for gifting them with such objects, but few realize it/'s part of a long-term plan to destroy your mom (or ma). But that/'s probably just the Guinness talking... Early in the 20th century the Irish realised that they had few natural resources that were worth money. One was the ability to take nothing, call it a Leprechaun, and sell it at outrageous prices to Americans. This was mainly thanks to the many Irish spies who had "emigrated" there. In fact, many Irish operatives have traveled to almost every corner of the Earth. Every year on the 17th of March these spies hold their AGM under the guise of a holiday called "St. Patrick/'s Day", where the many people of Irish blood gather to celebrate their /'forefathers/'. A mind-enhancing black substance called Guinness and Shamrock-shaped surveillance devices are distributed to the masses. This ensures that the plan for world domination (or at least a damn good piss up on the way) remains on target.
It is popular opinion that the Irish would have long ago succeeded in their plans, if only there weren/'t so many pubs on the way.
The CIA recently discovered that Terry Wogan had no penis and had founded a sinister order to convert everyone in the world towards vacuous thinking and wearing pullovers leading the Department for Culture to question whether Radio 2 should be available on the Internet in live streaming form
As Ireland moved into the 20th century, it had become rich thanks to exports of potatoes and ninjas. People often thank the Irish for gifting them with such objects, but few realize it/'s part of a long-term plan to destroy your mom (or ma). But that/'s probably just the Guinness talking... Early in the 20th century the Irish realised that they had few natural resources that were worth money. One was the ability to take nothing, call it a Leprechaun, and sell it at outrageous prices to Americans. This was mainly thanks to the many Irish spies who had "emigrated" there. In fact, many Irish operatives have traveled to almost every corner of the Earth. Every year on the 17th of March these spies hold their AGM under the guise of a holiday called "St. Patrick/'s Day", where the many people of Irish blood gather to celebrate their /'forefathers/'. A mind-enhancing black substance called Guinness and Shamrock-shaped surveillance devices are distributed to the masses. This ensures that the plan for world domination (or at least a damn good piss up on the way) remains on target.
It is popular opinion that the Irish would have long ago succeeded in their plans, if only there weren/'t so many pubs on the way.
The CIA recently discovered that Terry Wogan had no penis and had founded a sinister order to convert everyone in the world towards vacuous thinking and wearing pullovers leading the Department for Culture to question whether Radio 2 should be available on the Internet in live streaming form
A Polite Way to Pee Guys please be polite!!!!!!!!!!!
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good mannersto her students, asked : Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a niceyoung lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee." Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite." Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.I'll be right back." Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table." Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brains for once and show us your good manners?" Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet after dinner." The Teacher Fainted........
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....
'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.
I Love this DOCTOR!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH - VERY CUTE !!!!!!
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say
the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! . Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed
pig'she retorted indignantly, In this country. we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives'.
'Hey, coola down lady' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '
I bet, u r gonna read this again
I did.
Sexlightened
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: ' A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
Sexlightened
Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f**k the cat."
Sexlightened
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
A pencil and the truth of the universe......
>
>
>
> The pencil...
>
> The value of a Catholic education and a pencil (this is too cute)!...You
> don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
>
> Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic School.. Usually
> she slept through the class.
>
> One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell
> me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'
>
> When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
> behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
>
> 'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.
> The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
>
> A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
>
> But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to
> her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.
>
> 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said,
> 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
>
> The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
> had her twenty-third child?'
>
> Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
> This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
> thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
>
> The nun fainted.
>
How to maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In your cheque butts write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'Take-away'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache..
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
13. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
It's Called
.. THERAPY
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the , he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!
Sex On Mars
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do u guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way u do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows w id er and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
THE MARRIAGE STORY..........
40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE FAIRY: As told by Eve!> > A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40Thwedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.> > She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for beingloving to each other for all this time, I will grant u each a wish.'> > The wife answered, 'Oh , I want to travel around the world with mydarling husband.'> > The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - two tickets for theQueen Mary II appeared in her hands.> > The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic,but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, butmy wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'> > The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.> > So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof, the husband became 92years old.> > The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards shouldremember fairies are female.....
40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE FAIRY: As told by Eve!> > A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40Thwedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.> > She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for beingloving to each other for all this time, I will grant u each a wish.'> > The wife answered, 'Oh , I want to travel around the world with mydarling husband.'> > The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - two tickets for theQueen Mary II appeared in her hands.> > The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic,but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, butmy wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'> > The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.> > So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof, the husband became 92years old.> > The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards shouldremember fairies are female.....
Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo.
They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six
hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are u hurt?'
'AM I HURT?' he shouts;
'Wouldn't u be?.............he hasn't called....he hasn't written....'
Sex God
Gus the timid mouse finds a viagra on cinderellas bed and eats it. 10 mins later he's strutting round the place shouting..WHERE'S THAT FUCKING PUSSY NOW THEN!
