A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
.
.
.
.
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
Join the most popular community of Irish swingers now
Login
JOKES
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...
"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says, isten Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"
) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which your rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy, isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior ofher vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate 's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
41) YOU SHOW UP!
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2008
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house, 'Talking Dog for Sale.'
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..
'You talk?' he asked.
'Yes,' the Lab replied.
'So, what's the story?'
The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'
'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
'Ten euros.' the man said.
'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shÃte.'
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
one night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on h is own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt whenever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed on her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed on her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed on her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well,no." she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it doesn't matter that you don't want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your f*****g brother won't let me in without a tie!
Sex God
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a
brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and
he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a
top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired...
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her
mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens
loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4.
Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons
Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot,
his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have
I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the
Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get
it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only
did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9.
Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on
Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester
cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other
and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown
commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up
shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other
weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
after a terrible shipwreck
A Ballymena man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
>
>
> Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
> Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
> island.
> After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
> animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>
> One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
> clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
>
> As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
> lonely Ballymena man.
>
> Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
>
> But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
> the man took his arm from around the sheep.
>
> After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
> but there was no more cuddling.
>
> A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
>
> The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
> the man had ever seen.
>
> She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
> back to health.
>
> When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
> evening beach ritual.
>
> It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
> gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
>
> Pretty soon, the Ballymena man started to get 'those feelings' again.
>
> He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
> realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
> cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
>
> 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
A Ballymena man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
>
>
> Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
> Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
> island.
> After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
> animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
>
> One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
> clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
>
> As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
> lonely Ballymena man.
>
> Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
>
> But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until
> the man took his arm from around the sheep.
>
> After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,
> but there was no more cuddling.
>
> A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
>
> The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
> the man had ever seen.
>
> She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her
> back to health.
>
> When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
> evening beach ritual.
>
> It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
> gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
>
> Pretty soon, the Ballymena man started to get 'those feelings' again.
>
> He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and
> realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
> cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
>
> 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Sex God
History Mystery
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
look at the lips
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Sex God
right then back to the jokes...
Jack was about to marry Jill when his Father took him to one When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said.
'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
I told her; of course they're too big. I wear the trousers In this family and I always will.. Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'
Jack took his Father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will.'
Sex God
The International Council of Man Laws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following
circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her
Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be
legally killed and eaten by his friends.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his
sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry
her.
5:Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's
fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is
unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday
present for another man. In fact, even remembering
your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that
point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines
pit stops, not the weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a
sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in
progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
9: You may in front of a woman only after you
have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under
the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment
(commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially
your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink
only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and
it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's
free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril
are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13:Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.
Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you
didn't see anything.
15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must
be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge
of the game and the ability to drink as much as the
other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the
last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd
better be talking about his choice of beer.
19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing
a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex
pending your response.
20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are
on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in
line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman
to go on longer than you are able to have sex with
her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly
'just a friend'
have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're
feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to
nail each other again before the discussion occurs
about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is
not acceptable for her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown,
pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you
want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know
what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating
or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
Master of Sex
The day the penis asked for a raise.....I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reaasons..I do physical labour,i work at great depths,i dont get public holidays or weekends off,i work in damp enviroment,i work in dark workplace that has poor ventilation,i work in high work exposes me to contagious disease..Sincerly .Response..Dear after assessing your requet and considering your arguments u have raised,we reject them 4 the following reasons>> you dont work 8 hrs straight.u fall asleep after brief periods/u dont take inititive.u need to be pressured and stimulated into starting work,u leave the workplace rather messy at the end of ur shift u dont always observe necessary saftey regulation such as wearing protective clothing .your unable to work double shifts and if that wasnt all you constantly enter the workplace carrying 2 suspicious bags..yours sincerly 
:wave:
:wave: Sex God
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
I hope this clears up any confusion
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
I don't know about you sometimes!
Sex God
While I was "flying" down the road this morning (i.e.,10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a garda siochalony with
a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
The garda pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the garda, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The garda stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the
hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: Court Costs: The Look on that Garda's Face: PRICELESS!!!
