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Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
· It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
· It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
· It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
· It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...
"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy
Sex God
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Sex God
:laughabove:How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'R E LAUGHING BECAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'R E LAUGHING BECAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
Master of Sex
so so true photo im wetting myself laughing here!!!! :rotflmao:right a women goes to doc and says "im getting to much discharge"Dr says "pop your knickers off and hop onto the bed" He fingers her and says"how does that feel",,"fucking lovely" she replies "but the discharge is in my ear!!"
:rotflmao:right a women goes to doc and says "im getting to much discharge"Dr says "pop your knickers off and hop onto the bed" He fingers her and says"how does that feel",,"fucking lovely" she replies "but the discharge is in my ear!!" Sex God
:laughabove::laughabove:
Dear Dad Letter......Brilliant!
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, it was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on my desk.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home! Sex God
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
and said, "Next year tell Santa to
put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
"Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell
Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Sexlightened
A dwarf went to her doctor. "Doctor, every time I go out in the rain I get a sore pussy". The doctor examined her & could find nothing wrong so she left rather unhappy.
Two weeks later she came back, "doctor, I went out in the rain again yesterday & after 5 minutes my pussy was aching, there must be something wrong. The doctor examined her again but could still find nothing wrong, so she left really unhappy.
Another week went by & on a really wet & windy day she arrived in the doctors office again. "Doctor, I'm in absolute agony, there must be something seriously wrong with me. So he put her up on the table had a look up her dress. "Aha" he said, went away, came back, fumbled about under her dress for a few minutes. "Right that should do it" said the doctor. So she left again, puzzled but relieved.
Three days later she came back smiling. "Doctor, it's been raining for the last three days & there hasn't been a bother on me. I don't know what you did to me but it worked". The doctor replied, "I didn't do anything to you, I just cut the tops off your wellies".........
Sex God
Quote by user=tippbi
A dwarf went to her doctor. "Doctor, every time I go out in the rain I get a sore pussy". The doctor examined her & could find nothing wrong so she left rather unhappy.
Two weeks later she came back, "doctor, I went out in the rain again yesterday & after 5 minutes my pussy was aching, there must be something wrong. The doctor examined her again but could still find nothing wrong, so she left really unhappy.
Another week went by & on a really wet & windy day she arrived in the doctors office again. "Doctor, I'm in absolute agony, there must be something seriously wrong with me. So he put her up on the table had a look up her dress. "Aha" he said, went away, came back, fumbled about under her dress for a few minutes. "Right that should do it" said the doctor. So she left again, puzzled but relieved.
Three days later she came back smiling. "Doctor, it's been raining for the last three days & there hasn't been a bother on me. I don't know what you did to me but it worked". The doctor replied, "I didn't do anything to you, I just cut the tops off your wellies".........
Priceless photo :-)
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Why are wedding dresses white?
Little Tommy asked his mother "Mam, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
Little Tommy thanks his Mam and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
Little Tommy asked his mother "Mam, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
Little Tommy thanks his Mam and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
Master of Sex
:laughabove::laughabove::laughabove::laughabove:
SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25
:color: You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush'.
:color: You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
:color: You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
:color: Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
:color: All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
:color: Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
:color: Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
:color: You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
:color: Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.
:color: You start to worry about your parents' health.
:color: You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
:color: You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
:color: Pop music all starts to sound the same.
:color: You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
:color: You always have enough milk in.
:color: To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
:color: While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.
:color: The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
:color: You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
:color: You wish you had a shed.
:color: You have a shed.
:color: You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that anymore' and 'I remember when there were only 4 TV channels' and 'Not in my day....'
:color: Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, You tut at rowdy school children.
:color: When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
:color: You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me
:color: You understand the above and forward it to your fellow aging friends.
:color: You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush'.
:color: You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
:color: You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
:color: Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
:color: All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
:color: Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
:color: Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
:color: You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
:color: Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.
:color: You start to worry about your parents' health.
:color: You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
:color: You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace And Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
:color: Pop music all starts to sound the same.
:color: You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
:color: You always have enough milk in.
:color: To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
:color: While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.
:color: The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
:color: You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
:color: You wish you had a shed.
:color: You have a shed.
:color: You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that anymore' and 'I remember when there were only 4 TV channels' and 'Not in my day....'
:color: Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, You tut at rowdy school children.
:color: When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
:color: You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me
:color: You understand the above and forward it to your fellow aging friends.
Master of Sex
"Dr will you kiss me?"says patient."No" says doc"you are a very beautiful woman but its against my code of eithics"."Please just one kiss"she asks again."its totally out of the question"he replies "Strictly speaking you shouldnt even be sucking my cock".............
Sex God
Got home from the pub last night, and found the missus in bed crying.
"What's up love?" I asked.
"We've had a burglar!", she said.
"Did he get anything?", I enquired.
"Too fucking right he did, I thought it was you!"
_________________________________________________________
Why is it that pensioners can remember an entire war, but forget four feckin digits at a chip and pin machine?
_________________________________________________________
My Personal Fave.......
Watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other day.
They spent the entire film going through the fridge labelling everything..:thrilled:
--------------------------------------------------------
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom,'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first!
Sex God
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
:laughabove::laughabove:
PASSWORD
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.
Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied
***PASSWORD INVALID.......NOT LONG ENOUGH
A MARRIED MAN
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.
After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....
The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Sex God
absolute cracker corkgirl 
:D:D:haha::haha::laughabove::giggle:
:D:D:haha::haha::laughabove::giggle: Sex God
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Ireland, Dublin to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a Irish Shitty Daily Mail, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Brian Cowen! You notice that
the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options:
You can save the life of Brian Cowen, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
THE SITUATION:
You are in Ireland, Dublin to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a Irish Shitty Daily Mail, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Brian Cowen! You notice that
the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two
options:
You can save the life of Brian Cowen, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Sex God
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
------------------------------------------------------
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?", she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsengolf'
2009 Tax Code
The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER: effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
5 - 10 cm. Nuisance Tax $ 10 - 20 cm. Privilege Tax $ 20 - 25 cm Pole Tax $ 25 - 30 cm Luxury Tax $ Males exceeding 30 cm must file capital gains.
Anyone under 10 cm are eligible for a tax refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
Why Parents Drink
Mick passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Da' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Da:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Ma and you. I have been finding real passion with Roisin and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Da she's pregnant. Roisin said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Roisin has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Roisin can get Better. She deserves it. Don't worry Da. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son Liam
PS. Da, none of the above is true. I'm over at Colm's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report. That's in my centre desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
The other day my wife and I went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a Garda writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, ' Ah Jaysus, come on Guard , how about giving a
Senior Citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket so I called him a
Nazi arsehole.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tyres.
So my wife then called him a fu**ing Culchie shitheaded pig.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town on the bus
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age...
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray -up, Bitch'
40 gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the pearly
gates and asked st peter to let them in.
He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had
room for five, so they should go away and think about who would come in.
A short while later st peter went to see God and said 'they've gone!'
God replied, 'what, the pikeys?'
'no, the fucking gates'!!!!
