DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first et 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back
then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
A mother and her son were flying Aer Lingus from Dublin to Heathrow. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't Big planes have baby planes?". The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
Plans have begun for Margaret Thatcher's state funeral.
It'll be the first time ever the 21 gun salute is fired into the coffin:boo:
Old Jimmy who has been living in the nursing home for a few years now, is all sad and sitting by himself outside on a secluded bench when little old Sally stops and asks him what his trubles are.
Well he say's i have been here for so long and have had no one to have sex with. Sally replys "well Jimmy i am to old for sex now. seeing him getting more depresed she unzipped his pants and pulled out his cock holding it in her hand. This brightened up Jimmy, and for a number of months every evening at the same time Sally & Jimmy would meet at the same time on the bench.
Then one time Jimmy didnt show. Sally waited and waited and got concerend for him, she went to search for him. Suddenly she spotted him sitting beside Anne who was now holding his cock in here hand. Sally splurted out how long has this been going on. Jimmy replied, well only since i discovered Anne suffers from Parkinsons.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5;
you ask me one and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-pound note and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Internet. He sends e-mails all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her £500.
The blonde takes the £500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel
the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and
were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum.. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves
had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration,
he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this
a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to stick it?'
& so began the tradition of the angel at the top of the Christmas tree.................
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
"Daddy, Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is
already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks………………………….
"And Tigger?"
Husband and wife doing weekly grocery shopping
Husband puts 10 cans of Bulmers into trolley
wife quickly takes them out saying"they cost €15 their much too expensive"
further down the aisle she puts €30 jar of face cream in trolley
he says"hold on a minute thats too expensive"
she says "but it makes me look beautiful"
he says "so does the Bulmers but it only half the price"
A man wakes up and tells his wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night' 'Really?' she says, 'yes' he replies 'you got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'
What's blue and yellow and has a tight cunt attached to it?
A Lidl bag.
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory..
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
most men think that the best shape for a woman is to hav a narrow waist and a very broad mind.
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my sister once thought that a penal colony was a place for male nudists
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a man was told by his wife that he should be more loving, so he went an got 2 mistresses.
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the cpl next door are into sex doggie fashion - he has to beg for it an she rolls over an plays dead.
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a wife complained to her hubby about his love-making. he protested 'why dont you you ever tell me when you are about to reach orgasm' 'because' she replied ' you're never there'.
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what do girls who have sex on the first date usually do after sex?. open the window of the car to get some air.
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one of the fascinations for a man is reading the slogans and jokes on the walls in the mens urinals. but poor guys beware the notice stating. ' why are you looking at this wall? the joke is in your hand.'
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what goes in hard an quite stiff an comes out soft an wet?. chewing gum.
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what has balls an screws you every week?. the national lottery.
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the main difference between men an women is that the average woman wants one man to satisfy all her needs, while the average man wants all women to satisfy his one need.
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why do men become smarter when they are having sex wit a woman?. because they are plugged into a genius.
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why were men created wit their sex organ hanging on the outside their bodies?. so it would be easier for them to find it.
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you shouldn call a woman 'easy'.. it's much more polite to say that 'she's very accesible horizontally.
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when a woman is described as being 'easy'. it just means that she has the same sexual morals as the average man.
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner
thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that
location.
She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you
can smell the ocean.'
The Seven Dwarfs go to The Vatican,and because they are the seven dwarfs they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
“Grumpy, my sonâ€says the Pope “what can I do for you?â€
Grumpy asks “excuse me your excellency,but are their any dwarf nuns in Rome?â€
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,thinks for a moment and answers “No grumpy,there are no dwarf nuns in Romeâ€
In the background, a few of the dwarf’s start giggling,
Grumpy turns around and glares,silencing them.
Grumpy turns back,â€Your Worship, are their any dwarf nuns in Europe?â€
The Pope ,puzzlednow , again thinks for a moment and says,
“No grumpy there are no dwarf nuns in
This time all of the other dwarf’s burst into laughter,
Once again Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare,
Grumpy turns backâ€Mr Pope...are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?â€
The Pope, really confused by the questions says “I’m sorry my son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap,rolling and laughing,pounding the floor,tear’s rolling down their cheeks,as they begin chanting................
“GRUMPY SHAGGED A PENGUINâ€
“Grumpy Shagged a Penguinâ€
The wife said that a dwarf felt her tit the other day.
I think someone put him up to it.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Geography is easy, you just colour in maps, but I failed because I kept colouring over the lines. Apparently Israelis have this problem too.
YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams
the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
LITTLE Mark ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little MARK.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little MARK says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little MARK replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on," but I like your thinking.."
LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)
Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies MARK.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH
Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
MARK says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful."
Little MARK says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR
Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go."
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER
Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little MARK replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little MARK answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.
I LOVE Little MARK!!!!!
Three doctors discussing their countries medical achievements:Israeli doc says "We took a kidney out of one man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in six months!".English doc says we took a lung out of a man and put it in another and he was out looking for work in five months!Irish doc says "we took an asshole out of Offaly put it in the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in three months!!!!!!!!!!":fuckinghell:
This is not a Joke , but I had to go to the dentist today at 2-30,:giggle:
I still think that is hillarious, lol
Got my choppers cleaned and polished.
not new dentures lol
:taz::thrilled::giggle:
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom,'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?'
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first!
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
:rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao: 
:)
