Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. ' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
Join the most popular community of Irish swingers now
Login
JOKES
After getting Pope Benedict’s entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today .'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the fu..ing Pope as a chauffeur!'
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet ten
thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude....'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!!!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES,
YES, I WON, I WON, I WON!!!'
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings & her clothes,
and then quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' One of the others
answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
Husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.
An Australian, a German and a Tallaght man are in the bar. They're
staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar,
and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Tallaght man twigs: 'My
God,it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of Becks.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus
approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the German and shakes it thanking him for the
Becks. When he lets go, the German gives a cry of amazement:
'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty years is gone. It's a
miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As
he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Tallaght man, who knocks over a chair and a
table
in trying to get away from the Son of God.
'What's wrong?' says Jesus.
The Tallaght man shouts, f*ck off, I'm on disability benefit!'
Harry the Eagle
Did you know that eagles mate for life?
Well, one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary,
His darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't
Return, he went looking and found her. She had been shot.
Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes
Of mourning he decided that he must get himself another
Mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd
Have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove
And brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all
The dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of
The nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found
A very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the
Sex was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I
Want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck
Back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck
Would say was.....
'I am a DRAKE
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both Brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth Grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.' 'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said
'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBBLETS!!!
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo i n my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back.'
The Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me'.
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watcher go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said 'We are very happy that you have passed out little test'. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bath tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs give him the good news and apologise. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN - DON'T YOU EVER STOP?
I was getting nowhere chatting up this very attractive posh-looking bird the other night, so I asked her,
“Do you always give blokes such a hard time? I mean, have you ever slept with anyone before?â€
“That's my business!†she snapped back at me.
“Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realise,†I responded. “How much?â€
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his
talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
George
asks
him what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right
---question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up
his
hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f--k happened to Billy?"
AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS
THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND!
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:
'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND.
PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE
GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING
FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH,
DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.
THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.'
Orgasminator
a buddist goes to a hotdog stand says to the vendor may i have one with everything ,vendor hands over the hotdog the buddist hands over a 100 dollar bill few mins pass andhe hadnt got any money back so he asks the vendor for it ,the vendor replies but the change has to come from within ,
On a C.I.E bus tour an elderly lady whispered to the bus driver....i think i've been sexually assaulted. Later at a bus stop a second old lady whispered in his ear...driver....i believe that i was sexually assaulted. He had to investigate so he asked a few had they any knowledge of this. He found a little old man crawling on the bus floor under the seats..the driver asks....can i help you.....the old man says i lost my toupee i thought i found it twice but they were parted in the middle and mines parted at the side!!
Sexpert
One night at the club Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading each other on they went back to his place. He asked her "come on please just let me stick it in".
Little Red Riding Hood replied "Stick to the story you motherfucker, EAT ME!" :giggle:
Why is sex like riding a bike??
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere. 2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory. 3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience. 4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience. 5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun. 6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try. 7. It's best to have a soft place to land. 8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it. 9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them. 10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time. 11. Once you learn, you never forget how. 12. If you fall off get right back on. 13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up. 14. Remember to signal before you change direction. 15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip. 16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat. 17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way. 18. That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes
courtesty of kirishlad
A man approaches the gates of heaven. To be greeted by St Peter.
St. Peter asks him. ' Who are you and what are some of your best achievements in life.'
The Man responds with, 'My name Is Barack Obama and I was the first black president of the United states'
St. Peter 'that is a great life achievement, when were you president of the United States'
Obama 'About 20 minutes ago'
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she
means against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt
into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on
for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and
screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence.'
An Australian golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he discovered a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, with a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the Golfer said.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answered in relief. 'I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologise.' And he walked
away.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun said to himself. 'I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want . . . a
great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year went by, and the golfer came back. On the same hole, he again hit
a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him.
'T'was me that made ye hit the ball here' the little guy said. 'I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer replied. 'I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He then added, By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?'
Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer answered. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were
there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's your sex life?'
The golfer blushed, and turned his head away in embarrassment, and said
shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'
'What?' responded the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'
'Well,' said the golfer, 'I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish.'
SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la Computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (' el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Mike is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
>Bridgette, a young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
>'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
>Mike struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
>Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, there's nothing wrong with them sir, they look great!
>Mike pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and say's very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......Are - my - test - results - back?
all credit for this one goes to sue-10.....copied and pasted from the chatroom......
sue-10: When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'Try this out:On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &JohnsonBe very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or the fun part out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.. ' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson..' HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS!
sue-10: When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'Try this out:On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &JohnsonBe very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or the fun part out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.. ' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson..' HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A** THAN YOURS!
