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Joke
Wife treats her husband by taking him to a lap dancing club for his birthday.
The doorman says '' Hello Dave, hows things ''. His wife said.. How does he know you ? He says,, er..i play football with him.
Inside, the barman says ' usual Dave ' ?. Dave says to his wife.. before you say anything.. he's on the same darts team as me at the local.
Next, a lapdacer says '' Hi Dave, do you want the special again ?'' The wife storms out, dragging Dave with her and jumps into a Taxi. The driver says '' fuckin hell Dave, you've pulled a right minger this week..!
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? ( hello because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? ( they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE 1 EGG?they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? ( because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock) ( you're laughing!!!!)
5. WHY WERE... MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they won't hump women's legs)
... ... ... 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? ( don't know.... it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your dumb jokes)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? ( because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.) 
1..What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
2..What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion. 
3..What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
4..Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
5..Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
6.. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
7..How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." :lol:
8..What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
9..How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
10..Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Now you guys dont shoot me down! :lol: :lol: :wink:
2..What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
3..What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
4..Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
5..Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
6.. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
7..How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." :lol:
8..What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
9..How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
10..Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Now you guys dont shoot me down! :lol: :lol: :wink: 
Sexlightened
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."
Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is million."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."
Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch!!!
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
Sexlightened
tickle tickle play 
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs
Quote by playfull
Lmao here daithi has me in stiches here
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs
Paddy has broken his hip and his buddy Tom has called over to see him.
Tom askes, "how you doing?"
Paddy says, "okay but would you do me a favour and go upstairs for my slippers my feet are bloody freezing"
Tom goes up the stairs and sees Paddys gorgeous 19yr old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.
He says, "Your dad has sent me up here to have sex with the both of you"
They say "Get away will ya.......... Prove it"
Tom shouts down the stairs, "the both of em?"
mick shouts back, "Of course the both of em, whats the point in f**king one?"
A guys working in an office needs to see his boss (a Man), but his secretary (a woman)is not outside so he goes to the door and stops when he hears a womans voice so he listens intently:
Oh Sir Geoffry do not touch......
Oh Sir Geoffry do not............
Oh Sir Geoffry do................
Oh Sir Geoffry do................
Oh Sir Geoffry...................
Oh Sir...........................
Oh...............................
.................................
not the funniest but a clever use of language
Sex God
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks 'where's ya tampons' the assistant replies "Down that aisle mate". The man returns with cotton wool balls, dental floss and toilet paper. "Thought you wanted tampons?" the assistant asked. " Yeah, well, last week I asked the wife to buy me a pack of smokes, she came back with a pouch of tobacco and Rizzla papers - so let's see how she likes rolling her own!"
Sexlightened
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"
1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same. They just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor- a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal...
Master of Sex
"The Gift"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart.
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again.
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."
Letter to The Editor
ADVICE FROM PETER - A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Peter. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lesley to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining I think; for example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Peter died suddenly on January 31, of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 48 -inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Peter, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Master of Sex
[b:75ee64ecd6]Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns..[/b:75ee64ecd6]
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delievery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled " BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
[b:2fa1ead5fa]Hard Times [/b:2fa1ead5fa]
A young couple not long married find themselves falling deeper and deeper in debt. After many agonising days and nights they agree that the wife should go on the game to help make ends meet.
"What should I do" asks the wife."I dunno ,just put on something sexy and hang around by the gate" says hubby.
After a very short time a punter pulls up and enquires after the price of a shag. She informs him she is new to the game and doesn't know how much a shag is but she will find out. She rushes inside and says that there is a fellow outside who wants to know how much a shag is. "60 quid" says hubby.
She rushes back to the punter conveying the price to him. He tells her that he only has £40 and what can he have for that. She tells him that she will find out. "A blow job" says hubby and back she goes.
The punter is happy and they settle into the car to commence business but wifey connot contain her absolute delight as the fellow whops out the biggest cock she has ever layed eyes on.
"Hang on" she tells him a runs in "Darling" she says to hubby "do you think we can lend him £20 quid?....."
A man and wife go playing golf. On the 18th the man shanks it. He says to the wife ' hold the clubhouse doors open and i'll hit right through onto the green'. So the wife holds the door and gets it right in the back of the head and drops dead like a stone.
A few years later the man and his new girlfriend go for a game of golf. On the 18th he shanks it and says ' I'll play another ball'. The girlfriend says ' sure if I hold the clubhouse doors open you can hit through onto the green'.
The man says ' no, I tried that before and had a bad experience '.
Why says the girlfriend ' what happened '.
The man says ' I took an 8 '.
Sexpert
a man arrested for drunk driving was being read his rights
the ban garda warned him
you have the right to remain silent
any thing you say can and will be used against you
have you any thing to say ?
he replied boobs
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up".
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Warming the Bed
A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
A cat sit beside the river.
He can see about 3inches sausage floating in the river. Cat put 1 his leg into water but came back shaking.
Few minutes later another sausage, about 8inches, cat put 2 legs into water but did not make it and sausage was lost.
Cat was unhappy, but also confused when he saw another sausage about 12inches. Cat jumped into water and got the sausage.
What is the moral of this story?
The Bigger Sausage the Wetter PUSSY lol!!!
Guy goes to court accused of stealing from an Off-Licence. He pleads guilty and the Judge asks
" What did you steal "
" Six bottles of beer Your Honor "
" You will serve a month for every bottle you stole, take him away "
As he's being led out his wife shouts from the gallery
" He stole a bag of icecubes as well!! "
Sex God
