Join the most popular community of Irish swingers now
Login
Joke for today
A man is walking on the beach when he's appoached by a gorgeous woman in a skin tight wet suit. She unzips the wet suit a little and removes a cigarette. She lights it and places it between the mans lips.
He can't believe it. She then unzips it a little further and pulls out a martini glass. She proceeds to mix a perfect martini and hands it to him. He thinks he must be dreaming.
She then unzips the wet suit to below her belly button and says, "Do you wanna play around?"
He says, "Wow!!! You have golf clubs in there?"
Long ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age.
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a ‘woman's’ magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during s@x and, according to her Grandmother; all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having s@x. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, “And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"
All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a ‘woman's’ magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during s@x and, according to her Grandmother; all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip.
However, the Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having s@x. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, “And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"
Man meets a woman in a bar and buys her a drink, while having their drink the man keeps looking at his watch. The woman asks why he keeps looking at it, the man replies its a new dating watch and it gives me information about you. What is it saying now she asks, it says you have no knickers on, well its wrong she says, sorry he replies its an hour fast.
Quote by user=MrPlayfull
Man meets a woman in a bar and buys her a drink, while having their drink the man keeps looking at his watch. The woman asks why he keeps looking at it, the man replies its a new dating watch and it gives me information about you. What is it saying now she asks, it says you have no knickers on, well its wrong she says, sorry he replies its an hour fast.
:lol2: that's a real mans joke that, but a good one lol
Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman
One day, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
Paddy Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
Paddy Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!":taz:
Todays Offering
Priest was seated next to paddy on a flight and paddy ordered a vodka and red bull. Flight attendant asked the priest if he would like a drink, he replied in disgust i'd rather be by a dozen whores than let alcohol touch his lips. Paddy hands back his drink and says "me too, i didn't know we had a choice".
Man wake up in the morning with a massive hangover and cant remember anything of the previous night. He puts on his clothes and finds a bra in his left pocket and a pair of knickers in his right pocket, he thinks what have i done and heads to the bathroom to shave. Looking in the mirror he sees a string hanging from his mouth and his only thought is, please if there is a God , let this be a Tea Bag .
A girl out walking with her mother on a very cold day and her hands are freezing , her mother takes them and puts them between her thighs to warm them, later on she goes out with her boyfriend and on returning home tells her mother that his prick was frozen stiff and had put it between her thighs to warm it but wont be doing that again as it made an awful mess when it de-frosted
A young Garda is using the speed gun up in Sligo, along comes a man in a black VW golf doing 30km over the limit. The Garda stops him and asks for his licence "i dont have one Guard" he replies "open the glove box" guard says, "I cant", "why not", says guard, "because their is a gun in it", "why have you a gun?" asks guard, "because ive a dead body in the boot"
Young guard starts to panic and calls for back-up, Sgt arrives moments later and asks driver to open glove box, he does, but no gun, Sgt asks him to open the boot, he does, but no body!
Sgt says to driver "this young guard called me saying you had no licence, a gun in your glove box and a dead body in the boot. "Bejaysus" driver replies "and i suppose he said i was fucking speeding aswell" ......... :haha:
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want dont you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
....................................................................
Gates gets punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"
....................................................................
Gates gets punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?
The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.
The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.
The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims,"NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!"
Rye Bread is the Secret
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with
the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me"
Political Reflection
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land".
Nearly 10 years ago, Teflon Bertie said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".
Now Brian Cowen has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc . . .
I called the suicide help line.
I got a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land".
Nearly 10 years ago, Teflon Bertie said, " Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".
Now Brian Cowen has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land.
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement
funds, etc . . .
I called the suicide help line.
I got a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck....
Sex God
:giggle:
Paddys wife gave birth to triplets, how did that happen says paddy. She says " remember that night i was very dry, we had no vaseline, so u used 3 in 1 Oil?
"Holy jsysus " says paddy, "I'm glad we didn;t use WD40!!!!!!!!!"
:bounce: :bounce: Me luv's this joke 