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Joke for today
Sexlightened
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double decker. It was just After Eight. they got off at Quality Street. He asked her her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied. he touched her Cream Eggs then slipped his hans into her Snickers. He fondled her FlapJacks and she rubbed his TicTacs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.....Alas, three days later his Sherbert DipDab started to itch!! ...Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts :lol2:
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade" Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
Did you ? :whistling:
:whistling: A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee
elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel
the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and
were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the
elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into
hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the
end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like
me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.
Sex God
Last night I got home to find all my doors and windows open and everything gone ! What kind of sicko does that to someone's Advent calendar ?
Sex God
So a woman walks into a record shop and asks the young lad working there
"do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"
The young lad replies, "no, but i've got jangly balls on a 9 inch!"
"That's not a record is it?" replies the woman
"No, but it's alright for a 16 year old!" Says the lad
Sex God
Based on statistics, the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style - the husband sit's and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead
Lock your door
A little boy walks into his parents' room
Then wears a quizzical frown
When he see his Mom on top of his Dad
Bouncing up and down.
The mother quickly dismounts,
Worried about what her son saw
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
Standing outside the door
He asks, 'What were you doing to Dad just then?'
She replies, 'Well, you know Dad is fat
He has a big tummy so sometimes
I get on top and make it flat.'
'Well, you’re just wasting your time, Mom,'
She is told by her bright young pup
Cos when you go out, the lady next door
Gets on her knees and blows it back up.'
A little boy walks into his parents' room
Then wears a quizzical frown
When he see his Mom on top of his Dad
Bouncing up and down.
The mother quickly dismounts,
Worried about what her son saw
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
Standing outside the door
He asks, 'What were you doing to Dad just then?'
She replies, 'Well, you know Dad is fat
He has a big tummy so sometimes
I get on top and make it flat.'
'Well, you’re just wasting your time, Mom,'
She is told by her bright young pup
Cos when you go out, the lady next door
Gets on her knees and blows it back up.' 80 year old man is having his checkup with his doctor. His blood pressure etc is checked and then the Doc ask's "Is there anything else you want to ask me about"? "Yes, I had sex with my wife and I was freezing all the way through it and the next time I had sex with her, I was so warm that the sweat was running down my back. Whats wrong with me"? "That is strange", the Doc replied. "Can I call in your wife from the waiting room to discuss this"? "I will fetch her", replied the old man. The doc repeated the concern to the old mans wife. She started to laugh and said, "Don't mind him. The first time we had sex it was January and the second time was an afternoon in July".
A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and €7,000 in cash.
"What's the eggs for?" He asks.
"Every time we had crap sex I would put an egg in the box." she replies.
"Not bad - 3 eggs in 35 years. What about the cash?" he enquired.
"Every time I got a dozen I sold them" replied the Wife
"What's the eggs for?" He asks.
"Every time we had crap sex I would put an egg in the box." she replies.
"Not bad - 3 eggs in 35 years. What about the cash?" he enquired.
"Every time I got a dozen I sold them" replied the Wife
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when
his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'
The Aussie smiles,taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
A warning for all men who may be regular Tesco customers - be careful. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two young 20 - 21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts making out with you , while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
A friend sent me the world's shortest fairytale:
Once upon a time, a bloke asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No!"
And the bloke lived happily ever after, fcuked all her mates, rode motorbikes, went fishing, played football and drank beer after eating curry - then left the toilet seat up when he went back to playing on the PS2 - farting and wanking whenever he wanted to.
For all the confused females out there:
Men have two mental states - Hungry or Horny!
If you see him without an erection, make him a fcuking sandwich!!!
:giggle: :bounce: :giggle: :bounce: :giggle: :bounce: :giggle: :bounce:
Once upon a time, a bloke asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No!"
And the bloke lived happily ever after, fcuked all her mates, rode motorbikes, went fishing, played football and drank beer after eating curry - then left the toilet seat up when he went back to playing on the PS2 - farting and wanking whenever he wanted to.
For all the confused females out there:
Men have two mental states - Hungry or Horny!
If you see him without an erection, make him a fcuking sandwich!!!
:giggle: :bounce: :giggle: :bounce: :giggle: :bounce: :giggle: :bounce:
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
-----------------------------------------------------------
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN !!
>
> The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a
> sentence.
>
> Mollie put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
>
> The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
>
> Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity & I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before.
>
> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
> Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
>
> The teacher sat down and cried.
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled
> over by an Irish Garda. He
> thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is
> a London lawyer, from
> London, and is certain that he has a better
> education than any paddy cop. He
> decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
> at the Garda's expense!!
>
> Irish Garda says," License and registration,
> please."
> London Lawyer says, "What for?"
> Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete
> stop at the Stop sign."
>
> London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
> coming."
> Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a
> complete stop. License and
> registration, please."
>
> London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
> Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to
> come to complete stop,
> that's the law. License and registration, please!"
> London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal
> difference between "slow
> down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and
> registration and you give me
> the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me
> the ticket."
> Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle,
> sir."
>
> The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda
> takes out his baton and
> starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer with it
> and says, "Do you want me
> to stop, or just slow down?"
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the
Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
"Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"
