In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it... Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, he
went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal
clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements... As a last wish, she
informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved
on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone...
For days, he agonized over the dilemma.
But finally his
experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought
was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"
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Joke for today
The truth about being the boss...........
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department
for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his
employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to
interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff,"
he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he
has a free cottage.
Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board
and lodging.
There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work,
earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky, and as a special
treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That’s disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That’ll be me then," said Paddy.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.' 
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - both of which are interchangeable'
Sex God
One ovary asks the other ovary "Did you order any furniture?" "No, why?" "Because there's two nuts out there, trying to shove in an organ."
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH'S
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own fucking business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
Casanova
I took a girl out on a date last week, wined and dined her and we ended up back at my house, we were kissing when she said.
"Just to let you know i don't have sex on the first date"
I said "That's fine, but how about on the last"?
Sex God
Happy and Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
Warming the Bed
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a torch!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
A blonde woman gets pulled over for speeding. The cop, who also happens to be a blonde woman, says 'Excuse me maam, may i see your drivers licence.' The woman rummages in her bag but cant find it. In desperation she asks the cop what it looks like. The cop replies 'It's a small square thing with your picture on it'. She rummages some more and then pulls out her make-up mirror, looks into it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks into the mirror, then says to the woman, 'Ok, you can go....I didn't realise you were a cop, too'
Sex God
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingBuddies 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as GuysNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, FakeDeaf 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several , I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboBitch and Multi-Banshee. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Help Requested Please!
Was mailed these recently..some of them aren't too pc but they still made me laugh...and, yes, it was a man who sent them. How could you tell?
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "F*ck that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Warming the Bed
A man in his 40's goes in for a physical.
The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only get a few more erections, and then you won't have any more for the rest of your life."
The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"
Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan your use of them accordingly."
The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering his situation, and how to confront his wife.
When he gets home he tells her, "Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."
She says, "Give me the good news."
He says, "I can only have 25 more erections, and then I can't have any more, ever."
She says, "We can work around that, we will just make a list and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill our desires, and make the most out of each one, what in the world is the bad news?"
He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it. :swingingchair:
some absolutely classics from the legend that is tommy cooper
"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library
and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do
the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your
trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for
the books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people
were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it.'
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy
an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start
with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain
amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said butchly! 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I
also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said campily! 'Make
your mind up.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He
said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one
I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and
said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip
outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there
are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang
up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he
rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I
swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing
director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What
happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Tommy Cooper was in a taxi and when he got to the end of his journey and paid his fare,
the cab sat there waiting for his tip when Tommy gave him a tea bag and said, "Have a drink
on me."
Casanova
Warming the Bed
I don't get this joke Lick!!!! :thumbup: :silly::silly:
Quote by lickirishall
Warming the Bed
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
Sex God
An old sailor decides he wants to go for one last ride before he pops his clogs, So he throws on the sailor suit an heads off down the docks. He meets a brasser and takes her back to his house and they get down to buisness. After about twenty minutes the old fella asks the hooker how am i doing love. To which she replies your doing about three knots love. The old fella turns round and says what the fuck do ya mean three knots? The hooker replies well you not hard, your not in and your not getting your fucking money back.
Sex God
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Re: Bad jokes
Postby Cobhy » Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:00 pm
A good woman dies and goes to heaven she meets St Peter at the gates, She stands in awe looking at the gates when all of a sudden she hears an unmerciful scream. Jesus christ what was that said the woman? St peter answers dont worry it's just someone getting a hole bored in their head for their halo. Ok says the woman apprehensivly, When all of sudden she hears another unmerciful scream, Jesus christ what was that now says she? St Peter turns around and says dont worry someone is just getting the holes bored in their backs for their wings. The woman turns round and says nah send me down to hell, St peter turns to the woman and say hell hell, My dear girl you do realise if i send you to hell you will be and sodomised. The woman turns to peter and says i dont give a fuck i have the holes for that already.
Sex God
Two nuns go for a ride on a bike, Sister ann turns to sister mary, Oh mary i havent come this way in years. To which sister mary replies, Oh ann it must be the cobblestones.
Warming the Bed
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
:bs:
An escaped con breaks into house & finds couple in bed. He ties the guy up & gets on top of the girl kissing her, He then goes to the toilet. Husband says "This guy's a convict. If he wants sex don't resist do what he tells you. Satisfy him, this guy is probably dangerous. Be strong honey I love you." Wife responds "He wasn't kissing me. He whispered in my ear he was gay, thinks you're cute & asked me if I had Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too... :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: Sex God
The missus came home steaming drunk last night."You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink."Not really," I replied."Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which were increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'Trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'
Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one is even tighter.
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
