Hung Like An Elephant
This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father, "Dad, what's that thing hanging down?"
"That's the elephant's trunk," replies his father.
"No, I mean at the other end."
"Oh, that's the elephant's penis."
"That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."
"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."
Join the most popular community of Irish swingers now
Login
Joke for today
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, and losing her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fassive mart. 'Who's fust jarted?' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
THE END.
Three men die on Christmas Eve and arrive at the Pearly Gates. meets them and tells them they have to show him something that represents Christmas. The first one pulls out a lighter, lights it and says this reprsents a Christmas Candle, the second pulls out a bunch of car keys, rattles them and says these represent bells. The third pulls out his ten inch cock and St. Peter asks what in the name of God has that got to do with Christmas. His reply 'its a cracker'
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk. Yhey connect. They end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?’
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well,how was it?’
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf"
Casanova
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
The game is called 'Mate Match'.
The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.
If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah.
If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian.....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah.
You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam, how may we help you?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price"
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam, how may we help you?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price"
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
strike up a conversation.
The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, "So why are you here?"
The Chocolate Lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids But the
final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's
bed."
The black Lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," comes the reply from the chocolate Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow Lab says, "I'm a digger I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees.
I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquires.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too, the dejected yellow Lab says.
The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper," the black Lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out
of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes. I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away"
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance and says, "So,
nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black Lab says ...."No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Sex God
BREAKING NEWS
Sir Bob Geldof has just confirmed that a fundraising concert foe Ireland will be held in Ethiopia at Christmas
Sex God
My wife just rang tosay Gavin form Autoglass has just been hear and has injected his resin into her crack...
I'm not normally suspicious, but i'v got the fucking car!!!!
Casanova
My best mate brought his new girl down the pub last night she's 5'9" blonde and looks like a glamour model, we all had too much to drink and ended up round my place, few more drinks followed and as i was grabbing another beer from the fridge I heard giggling in the other room I walked back into the lounge to find my mate on the sofa getting a deepthroat bj, he looked up and grinned at me as I stood there open mouthed, the girl looked up with a naughty look in her eyes, licking her lips and then asked me if I'd like a go! "Shit yeah!" I replied...
...I didn't realise cocks tasted so salty.
A driver is stuck in a major traffic jam just outside Dublin on the M50
motorway.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a Garda knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"
"Pensioners" have kidnapped Brian Cowen, Brian Lenehan & Mary Harney, and a
bunch of Bankers.
They're asking for a €30 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse
them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Sexlightened
Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman were out playing Golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up, and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, Daphne! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' he demands.
'Well you don't give me enough housekeeping money, to afford any.'
He immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over, to set her ball on the tee ....her skirt also flies up, to show that she is not wearing any knickers either.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Bridget! Where are your knickers?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the allowance you give me.' He reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
The wind also takes her skirt over her head, to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus! Aggie Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She also explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
He reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fer the love o' Jaysus 'n the sake of decency...
here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a wee bit.
An Post created a stamp with a picture of the Taoiseach ...Brian Cowen
The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the Taoiseach who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of , a special commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp!!!
WHY I AM DEPRESSED...........
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Near 30 years ago when Charlie Haughey increased welfare he said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Now, Brian Cowan has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about, the Budget, Health Care Plans, The Economy, The Wars, Lost Jobs, Savings Plans, Food Quality, Social Welfare Cuts, Retirement Funds, Pension Levies, Property Tax, Water Charges, College Fees, Eco/Carbon Tax, Enviro Tax, IHT, Smart Meters, Delivery Charges, TV licenses, Insurance Policy levies, The Third Budget in Three Years, The Banks, Property Developers etc. . .
I called the Samaritans, got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck..........................
Sex God
FRENCH FOREPLAY: Dinner, wine,..... sex
ITALIAN FOREPLAY: Dinner, wine, dancing,.....sex
LATINO FOREPLAY: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing,.....sex
IRISH FOREPLAY: Ye Awake??????
Twas the night before christmas...
Twas the night before christmas
and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty,
even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse,
dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.
Out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter.
I sprung from my chair
to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick.
I knew in a minute,
it must be St. Nick.
He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a moment,
the fucker had fell.
He stuffed all our stockings
with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber cock
for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart.
that son of a bitch
blew my chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed
as he rode away,
piss on you all
and have a hell of a day
A teacher asks her class to name something that eats thing and ends in the letters 'tor'.
the first little boy says 'Alligator, miss'
'Well done Johnny, thats an excellent word.'
The second little boy say ' predator, miss'
'Well done Jimmy, thats another long word'
Michael puts his hand up..
'Yes, Michael?'
'Vibrator, miss'
After nearly falling off her chair, she says 'That is another big word, but it doesn't eat anything, Michael'
'Yes it does, miss, cos my older sister's got one and she says it eats batteries like there's no fuckin' tomorrow'
Bailout Package
It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating
down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough,everybody is in
debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich
German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel
and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to
inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked
upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay
his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs
down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer
takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of
feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and
runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money
along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been
facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The
hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the
hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the
€100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect
anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up
the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets
the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned
anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to
the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen,
is how the bailout package works.
