I love song lyrics, and am firmly of the opinion theat Frank Zappa was the best lyricist of all time....below is possibly my favourite Zappa lyrics - not only funny, but a savage comment on the All American Male.
Hey there, people, I'm Bobby Brown
They say I'm the cutest boy in town
My car is fast, my teeth is shiney
I tell all the girls they can kiss my heinie
Here I am at a famous school
I'm dressin' sharp 'n' I'm
actin' cool
I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper
Let her do all the work 'n' maybe later I'll her
Oh God I am the American dream
I do not think I'm too extreme
An' I'm a handsome sonofabitch
I'm gonna get a good job 'n' be real rich
Women's Liberation
Came creepin' across the nation
I tell you people I was not ready
When I fucked this by the name of Freddie
She made a little speech then,
Aw, she tried to make me say "when"
She had my balls in a vice, but she left the dick
I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick
Oh God I am the American dream
But now I smell like Vaseline
An' I'm a miserable sonofabitch
Am I a boy or a lady...I don't know which
So I went out 'n' bought me a leisure suit
I jingle my change, but I'm still kinda cute
Got a job doin' radio promo
An' none of the jocks can even tell I'm a homo
Eventually me 'n' a friend
Sorta drifted along into S&M
I can take about an hour on the tower of power
'Long as I gets a little golden shower
Oh God I am the American dream
With a spindle up my butt till it makes me scream
An' I'll do anything to get ahead
I lay awake nights sayin', "Thank you, Fred!"
Oh God, oh God, I'm so fantastic!
Thanks to Freddie, I'm a sexual spastic
And my name is Bobby Brown
Watch me now, I'm goin down,
Anyone got other funny lyrics for me?
Andy
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Funniest song lyrics ever
Not sure that you'd easily top that one, Andy, but Tom Waits is always good for lyrics. I'm pretty sure this one was inspired by Frank Zappa:
Frank's Wild Years
Frank settled down in the Valley,
and he hung his wild years on a
nail that he drove through his
wife's forehead.
He sold used office furniture out
there on San Fernando Road and
assumed a $30,000 loan at
15 1/4 % and put a down payment
on a little two bedroom place.
His wife was a spent piece of used jet trash
Made good bloody-marys, kept her mouth
shut most of the time, had a little Chihuahua
named Carlos that had some kind of skin
disease and was totally blind.
They had a thoroughly modern kitchen;
self-cleaning oven (the whole bit)
Frank drove a little sedan.
They were so happy.
One night Frank was on his way home
from work, stopped at the liquor store,
picked up a couple of Mickey's Big Mouth’s.
Drank 'em in the car on his way to the
Shell station; he got a gallon of gas in a can.
Drove home, doused everything in
the house, torched it.
Parked across the street laughing,
watching it burn, all Halloween
orange and chimney red.
Frank put on a top forty station,
got on the Hollywood Freeway
headed North.
Never could stand that dog.
When I was just a baby
My Mama told me, "Son
Always be a good boy
Don't ever play with guns"
But I shot a man in Reno
Just to watch him die
When I hear that whistle blowin'
I hang my head and cry .. Johhny (god) Cash..
Now if he shot a man in Reno , what the heck is he doing in prison in California
Bull and Boo (don't know which one of ye posted that so I'll address it to ye both)...we are both big fans of Tom Waits....those happen to be my fave Tom lyrics too...although not actually my fave track....thats Eggs And Sausage - Nighthawks At The Diner...reminds me of 4am in a San Francisco diner called Orphan Andy's, with the guy our son is named after and a couple of other friends. After nearly 15 years I can still remember what I had - chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes and onion gravy, side of bacon, side of hash browns, and lots of coffee...sadly never to be repeated as he's dead, which means it's always a bitter-sweet experience listening to it, but worth the tears it inevitably brings. Anyways, always good to meet another fan, cheers.
Andy
It was me, Bull, who posted that. Boo's been away in Galway, but she has the laptop with her so she's also been posting comments which has probably confused everyone - I haven't been talking to myself!
It's incredible how some songs just bring a specific memory straight back, isn't it. My taste in music tends to waver a lot; I'll be crazy about a certain band / musician for a few years and then not listen for ages. I had Tom Waits' "Swordfishtrombones" at one stage, I think it was stolen from our house during one of several burglaries we had. I loved "16 shells from a 30.6" and "Gin-soaked boy" particularly. I had another album of his before, on vinyl, can't for the life of me remember what it was called, but it had "Whistling past the graveyard" and "The piano has been drinking" on it. I think it was a collection, or re-release or something.
Ah Bull....we have to get together so we can share our Tom Waits library with you...there are only one or two of his albums we don't have, and I'm trying to find them on P2P, so yu will be able to take your pick mate!
Oh and Addies...I think you may have misunderstood what I meant by funny...Ha Ha as opposed to peculiar hun.
Andy
Quote by user=t-bags
Ah Bull....we have to get together so we can share our Tom Waits library with you...there are only one or two of his albums we don't have, and I'm trying to find them on P2P, so yu will be able to take your pick mate!
Oh and Addies...I think you may have misunderstood what I meant by funny...Ha Ha as opposed to peculiar hun.
Andy
Suitably :-o
Ah dora...the bell x1 track is way cool, an amazing homage to Talking Heads - anyone that can manage to sing like David Byrne and not die laughing by halfway through the song deserves my total respect lol, but the second lyric is actually " you're the chocolate at the bottom of my cornetto"....
Jax was gonna post some more lyrics yesterday, but her loggin timed out and she couldn't be bothered to write them all over again, so I'll do it for her in a while as she has now disappeared to dublin for work.
Andy
Bull....ah yes, Boo and I have talked about us all meeting up before, but unfortunately our lives have been a little hectic of late. Once I get some sort of regularity in my shifts we will definately sort something out, as we will be able to give you enough notice for you to get a sitter and for us to clean up the house, as apart from Tussey we can't get babysitters ffs, and they must be well sick of our lad by now lol.
Cheers dude
Andy
Sex God
From the perenial classic
'Life' By all round Nutter Bird, 'Desree' ''I'm afraid of the dark,specially when I'm in a park
And there's no-one else around,
Ooh, I get the shivers
I don't want to see a ghost,
It's a sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news' ......er WTF?
I'd love to know what meds her doctor had her on when she wrote that 'Gem'
'Life' By all round Nutter Bird, 'Desree' ''I'm afraid of the dark,specially when I'm in a park
And there's no-one else around,
Ooh, I get the shivers
I don't want to see a ghost,
It's a sight that I fear most
I'd rather have a piece of toast
And watch the evening news' ......er WTF?
I'd love to know what meds her doctor had her on when she wrote that 'Gem' 
Master of Sex
:thumbup: So anyways ..... here are the lyrics I was going to post before I got timed out and that Andy didn't get round to posting either.
From those Welsh Ejits Goldie Lookin Chain..........
That's right, you knows what I'm saying
Your mother's offered me the goods, I'm not paying.
It started as a laugh, as a bit of a joke
Something funny to say when I was having a smoke.
I first heard off this bloke, this fucking rumour going round
Your mother's reputation it's not sound
She's saving up the pennies hoping they'd turn into pounds
To have an operation to swap her gender around.
It's a shock to me and it's a shock to you
Your mother's got a beard, sandals and a penis too
It don't look right see, when she's walking down the street
To see her ball bag jiggin' to the beat of her feet
I said
Your mother's got a penis
Your mother's got a penis
Your mother's got a penis
That's right
Your mother's got a penis
In internet rooms and computer mainframes
There's loads of emails but your mother's blue veins.
Not the ones in her legs or the backs of her arms
But the ones in her member hidden in her gown.
She walks around proud, with a short dress on
Which sometimes exposes the tip of her dong.
Often it's dripping, sometimes it's dry
No matter when I see her there's a tear in my eye.
I thought I had to tell you, had to put it in a letter
But I thought fuck that I'd write a song in much better.
The only way to do it, to really let you know
I could prove it because I gave it a blow.
It was purely accidently because she got me really drunk
And she made me kiss her elephant trunk.
You know why? That's right
Your mother got a penis.
Your mother's got a penis (Your mother's got a penis)
Your mother's got a penis (Your mother's got a penis)
Your mother's got a penis (Let's Rock !)
That's right
Your mother's got a penis
When she walks down the street, then she walks like John Wayne
I just seen her pissing standing up again.
Don't make no sense when you see her here and there
She got a cock and balls and real pubic hair.
And a single eye that sometimes weeps
If she lying on the bed then she rubs it on the sheets
Or up against the door or the back of your neck
If your mother's around then you make a double check.
I hate to tell you with all due respect
Take your mother to the doctors because her front bum's wrecked.
he he he....I'd forgotten about the GLC when I started this....loads of songs that make me laugh out loud ffs!!!
Here's another example from them....
Burned a new hole in my tracksuit today,
Smoking Soap Bar without an ashtray,
Red-hot nylon dripping on my skin,
I ripped the fucker off, and threw it in the bin,
Soap Bar’s cheap, and so’s my clothes,
They’ve got to be cause of all the fucking holes,
It tastes like shit and it makes you cough,
And it’s the fucking rubber in it that gets you off.
Yeah, I smoke Soap Bar with lots of bits of plastic,
I leaves mine in it cause it tastes fantastic,
Skunk costs too much, I can’t see the appeal,
love smoking Port Rocky, Soap Bar or Gold Seal,
Smoke Rocky in a bong, bucket or hot-knives,
Bake it in a cake for your Mam as a surprise,
I smokes Green, and it’s gone in an instant,
But Soap Bar lasts, cause it’s fucking consistent.
Smoking on up, Soap Bar in the sky,
I’ll smoke Soap Bar ‘till I fucking die,
Before I die and they lay me to rest,
I will always smoke Soap Bar, that’s the best.
Last night I went out driving in my car,
I sparked up a fat spliff of fucking Soap Bar,
A Blim-burn burned right down to my dick,
And while I was distracted, I fucking crashed into a
Brick wall, the car was fucking battered,
The bonnet flipped up and the windscreen shattered,
You’re better off smoking The Green instead,
Cause it don’t Blim-Burn and it’s better for your head.
Soap Bar! Sitting in a deep sweat,
Thinking! I’ve got to get some Rocky for the,
Weekend! The sight of Draw excites me,
Stick it in a bong, light it up and chuck a fucking,
Whitey! Burning holes in my tracky,
This shit always happens when I’m smoking fucking Rocky,
You’ve heard it on the news; you’ve seen it on the telly,
Add up for moving Soap Bar down fucking Liz Werry
I used to smoke Skunky but it was far too smelly, man!
Smoking on up, Soap Bar in the sky,
I’ll smoke Soap Bar ‘till I fucking die,
Before I die and they lay me to rest,
I will always smoke Soap Bar, that’s the best.
Most Soap Bar comes from fucking Holland,
They make it out of oil, and tires and pollen,
Diesel, Mirror-bar, Flat-Press too;
These are types of Soap Bar available to you,
These little bits of plastic you find inside;
You can use those as a quality guide,
Of the standard of Soap Bar that you are smoking,
The more bits of plastic means the better the toking.
Eat a Hash-cake but wait a while,
It’ll take about an hour ain’t Draw versatile,
You can burn it, eat it, or smoke it in a spliff,
Space shakes, Draw gateau’s, you knows it Delia Smith,
Lying in your bed dropping blimps on your pubes,
Selling Draw to your mates but it’s really Oxo cubes,
When you’re cooking up draw, be quick don’t lick it,
Cause it’s really fucking hot and it’ll burn your fingers.
This bloke said to me; “You haven’t got a clue,
About the damage that Soap Bar can do to youâ€,
I tried to see things from his point of view,
But I couldn’t fit my head up his asshole too,
The bloke was wrong, I knows my stuff,
I knows if I smoke it, I’m gonna feel rough,
My lungs are fucked and my throat is raw,
Cause the thing about Soap Bar; it’s fucking hardcore.
Smoking on up, Soap Bar in the sky,
I’ll smoke Soap Bar ‘till I fucking die,
Before I die and they lay me to rest,
I will always smoke Soap Bar, that’s the best.
Well anyway I think it’s better myself to lean forwards,
When smoking Soap Bar, because you are less likely to Blim-Burn,
You know what I mean?
Innit, check it out man! I got some quality fucking Gold-Seal for you, innit?
Shape up all those little bits of plastic what you find inside, right,
And then fucking stick them in a teapot,
Makes a lovely cup of tea, that does.
What I do, stick a fag in the microwave, right,
You toke it up, you sticks the Draw on top,
And you rams it in a bong and you rams the bong in your fucking head.
Yeah that’s like my fucking lungs feel like,
They’re fucking collapsing sometimes from the Soap Bar like,
You know?
he he he......mad welsh feckers!!!
