The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE! are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1e to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or
motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
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Boys i think ye will like this one
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Master of Sex
:doh: Ahhh T-Bags you know we understand you really..... we just cant cope with admitting it.
:laughabove: Nice one Corkgirl :grin: its all so true.......
Jax
Sex God
:laughabove::grin::haha::evil2::giggle:
that should be printed out, framed and left to hang for everyone to see in all the pubs across the country. This is help ye men, to warn ye about arguments ye can avoid if ye remember the terminology.
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing..
(Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
(I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.
This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S
> Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her> husband or boyfriend along shopping
>
> This letter was sent by Tesco's Head Office to a
> customer in Oxford:
>
>
>
>
> Dear Mrs. Murray,
>
> Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and
> use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is
> considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
> husband stops his antics.
> Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all
> verified by our surveillance cameras:
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
> people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
> to feminine products aisle.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
> official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
>
> 5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
> area.
>
> 6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing
> department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring
> sausages and
> a Calor gas stove.
>
> 7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could
> help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me
> alone?'
>
> 8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it
> as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
>
> 9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives
> in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
> antidepressants were.
>
> 10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
> humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 11..November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the
> 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
>
> 12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
> browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
>
> 13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud
> speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those
> voices again.'
>
> And; last, but not least
>
> 14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
> waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in
> here.'
Sex God
The stuff wrote up by corkgirl has had me in stichs everytime i read them. Looks like you might need to rediscover you funny side frank.
:giggle: corkgirl :giggle:
Grumpy Frank! Just because you read it somewhere before doesn't make it less funny - it means - you spend too much time reading jokes on websites, at work, on noticeboards, in the gents loo and at the dirty flicks cinema!
For some of us, a good old joke is just the right tonic to pick up a lousy day.
For some of us, a good old joke is just the right tonic to pick up a lousy day.
Warming the Bed
Well, I just thought I'd ruin the fun!!!
na nah na nah nah! :twisted::kick::rude::sparring:
Rules for Guys, by women
1. When crying occurs you caused it and should fix it. Perfect time for a gift.
2. Watching Star Trek or any type of non-romance movie/ T.V. show should also be rewarded in a gift.
3. The toilet seat prefers to be down. Gravity; any questions?
4. When we ask if we are fat, we are looking for a "NO I love you just the way you are" answer.
5. Cindy Crawford cuts her hair why can't we?
6. We are not always thinking of you.
7. We are not always looking for the perfect gift... some gift is better than no gift, and we realize it is the thought that counts.
8. Our Cats truly are special friends.
9. Shopping is not a sport, it's an adventure.
10. We value your opinion on our outfits and perhaps you should ask for direction when you are dressing.
11. Wearing the same clothes because they are on top of the pile is not acceptable.
12. If we had enough clothes or shoes then why are there so many stores?
13. When we ask for something we want it then!! Don't wait for a birthday, etc. you may for get what it is that we want.
14. If you cant be expected to hit the toilet, we can't be expected to find the oil.
15. When the lights come on in the car, we let you know when we get around to it.
16. Three pairs of shoes in not a selection, its a crisis!
17. Boots, old tennis shoes, and grass shoes are not adequate shoe choices.
18. We don't believe you when you say you'll be right home.
19. Yes and No are not answers, you are not on trial and we are not your attorney.
20. We remember what you say regardless of how long its been. Why can't you?
21. Saying what you think we want to hear gets you in more trouble! Stop while you are ahead.
22. There are no good sports.
23. Why can't you ask for directions?
24. Why can't you follow directions?
25. How can we be expected to tell you about our day in just 30 seconds when it took all day to happen?
26. You too can order Pizza.
27. Chinese Food is a meal.
28. Chips and Dip are NOT a meal.
29. Why don't you know all of these rules?
